Fuelling Extremism

The British National Party (BNP) today launched its new energy policy, with proposals to rename the National Grid the British National Grid, and to introduce a new energy tariff based upon ethnicity. "It's only right that British people should get priority when it comes to energy needs," BNP energy spokesperson John Twatter told a press conference. "Why should someone whose family goes back tens of generations in this country have to sit shivering, when some new immigrant a few doors away is roasting in their benefits-subsidised heating?" Twatter vehemently denies that his party's new policy is in any way racist, arguing that the proposed ethnic energy tariffs are based upon sound scientific analysis. "Look, it stands to reason that people who come from warmer climes will feel the cold more and therefore use more energy heating their houses," he explains. "Under our new tariff, the closer to the equator someone's country of origin is, the more they'll pay for gas and electricity. Now, it just happens that many of these people will be non-white, but that's simply coincidental."

In an effort to emphasise that the new policy would, in no way, be based on colour, Twatter further explained that some ethnic groups would also face restrictions on the amount of energy they could use on a daily basis. "It's a scientific fact - established, I believe by German scientists in the 1940s - that people from Eastern Europe, Poland and Russia, for instance, are able to withstand much lower temperatures than the rest of us," he says. "Consequently, they quite obviously wouldn't need as much heating as British people, so they would be allocated fewer units of gas and electricity, allowing us to prioritise our own people." Amongst other suggestions for saving energy made in the policy launch was a proposal to subsidise ethnically British citizens to install specially modified wood-burning stoves. "They're designed to use paper as a fuel, particularly if it is in the form of a book," Twatter told journalists. "Naturally, we've prepared a list of books which are best burned on these stoves, which will be distributed to all users."