Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Whatever Happened To...Bill Clinton?

And not just Bill, but all former Presidents. I mean, what can you possibly do with your life which isn't an anti-climax after being the most powerful elected leader in the world? Go senile, like Reagan, I suppose. At least that saved him from the terrible knowledge that from the moment he gave up the Oval Office, his life was meaningless. Mind you, he probably thought that he was still President... But seriously, what can you do that can possibly match that adrenaline buzz which comes from having your finger on the button? Expose yourself in public parks, maybe? Like Eisenhower. Apparently he liked nothing better, in his declining years, than to stroll down Pennsylvania Avenue with his cock hanging out of his flies. It was the thrill of seeing if he got caught. The problem was that his Secret Service guards always made out sure that he didn't get caught. Not even that time he whipped it out in front of that party of nuns. They just paid them all off and confiscated their cameras. Others have gone the extreme sports route for post-Presidential fulfilment. Take Gerald Ford, for instance. In his retirement this much maligned President and lifelong naturist - it is a little known fact that he used to wander around the White House in the buff - turned to naked bear wrestling for thrills. Unbeaten in over a hundred contests, Ford continued this past-time well into his eighties, occasionally varying his activities to include eagle wrestling, otter boxing and no-holds barred Elephant grappling. He once even persuaded former Vice President Spiro Agnew to join him in a tag team match against a pack of ravenous weasels.

But getting back to our original subject: what does Bill Clinton do these days to while away the hours? Well, apart from dabbling with homosexuality in a well-publicised affair with ex-President George Bush Snr, he's been much in demand as a male escort. For ladies of a certain age, there can be no greater thrill than stepping out with the silver-haired charmer who now likes to put his finger on their button and tantalise them with the possibility of a pre-emptive strike. If they're really lucky, he lets them light up his cigar. However, his greatest success has been as a male model, modelling a range of trusses and male sex aids for magazines and catalogues, becoming something of a gay icon in the process. For Bill, the thrill lies in the knowledge that hundreds of thousands of men, up and down America, are admiring his body. "He believes that he's giving hope to other overweight, middle-aged guys, by showing them that they needn't be ashamed of their bodies, that they too, can be sex symbols," says former Clinton aide Harry Dingus. "He's also getting a big kick out of breaking down established sexual barriers - as many straight guys as gay apparently whack off over his pictures."

On this side of the pond, our political leaders have tended to content themselves with tending their roses once they've retired. With a few notable exceptions. Former Tory Premier Ted Heath was alleged to have pursued his ambition to play every Cathedral organ in the UK, naked, whilst one of his predecessors, Harold MacMillan cultivated a huge cannabis farm and became one of Britain's leading dealers, whilst publicly opposing the legalisation of weed, so as to keep his prices up. Mrs Thatcher, of course, has never been able to get used to not running a country. Her withdrawal symptoms got so bad that her son tried to acquire a new country for her via an attempted coup in Equatorial Guinea. All of which leads us, naturally, to the question of what Tony Blair is going to do with himself when he steps down as PM in a few weeks time. Sadly, the ravages of time and stress have taken their toll on his once boyish features, making a return to his former profession unlikely. It is a well known Westminster 'secret' that back in the 1980s, the Labour Party was so strapped for cash that Gordon Brown was sent to pimp Tony Blair to off-duty sailors in Portsmouth. The future Prime Minister was, apparently, somewhat reluctant at first, but some prompting from the Chancellor to be - "For God's sake, Tony, stop being such a prude and get your cock out" - soon turned him into a top earner. Whilst a return to the sex trade seems unlikely, it has been suggested that Blair is planning to enter the dangerous waters of religious missionary work, post Downing Street. Unconfirmed reports claim he is planning to risk life and limb to spread the 'Good Word' to the savage natives of Britain's inner cities. We wish him luck.

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