I'm a Professional Stench Packer and These Are My Top Tips for Effectively Packing the Stench From Your Own Home

With home stench packing becoming ever more popular in the UK, a former professional stench packer is drawing on his thirty years in the business to give some practical tips on domestic stench packing.  With the contemporary focus on home and personal hygiene, increasing numbers of homeowners are turning to stench packing as a way of ridding their homes of unwanted personal stench.  But, with the high costs of professional stench packing, many are turning to self-stench packing kits sold online, often with disastrous results.  Consequently, retired stench packer Harold Farper is offering his advice on how best to safely and effectively pack the stench from their homes.  Farper, whose best-selling memoirs 'Adventures of a Stench Packer's Mate' and 'Confessions of a Master Stench Packer' describe his career with some of the world's top stench packing firms, has enormous experience of large scale stench packing, including packing the stench of Trump from the White House for President Biden, when he took office.  

"The biggest mistake most home stench packers make is in going for the cheapest stench packing kits available from online retailers," he told us.  "The trouble with these is that provide only cardboard boxes for packing the stench into, which are completely inadequate - they'll never contain the stench for any amount of time.  Indeed, they'll probably fall apart, eroded by the compacted stench, before you can even get them out of the house, putting you back to square one, stench wise."  He also advises that those kits including paper bags for stench packing should be avoided at all costs.  "It doesn't matter that they claim that they use think, plastic reinforced paper, such bags are completely inadequate, not to mention dangerous," he counsels.  "The ziplock seals they use are not secure and can lead to serious leakages of concentrated stench that could prove fatal to pets and small children.  Also, like the boxes, they aren't fireproof and any contact with a heat source could cause a large explosion."

Farper recommends that only plastic containers with sealable lids are used for domestic stench packing.  "Even the ones you can buy in homeware stores will do, so long as the lid is firmly pressed on as soon as the stench has been packed - there'll be minimal seepage and you should be able to safely get them - and the stench they contain - out of your house without incident," he opines.  "Obviously, they still aren't as good as the industrial grade vacuum packed containers employed professionally, but for the home stench packer they are perfectly adequate"

Farper has also condemned the use of hand cranked 'stench suckers' in these online kits.  "Again, these are totally inadequate, incapable of producing the level of suction required to trap significant quantities of stench," he notes.  "They are also very poorly manufactured, with a risk of friction between the moving metal parts of the mechanism, which could create sparks and a fire risk.  Only last month there was a report of a devastating fire which completely gutted a flat in West London and left a woman with third degree burns."  According to the stench packer, the only thing to be said for these devices are they are at least slightly more effective than some of the other devices on sale.  "Things like those giant plastic scoops you are meant to wave around your house, catching the stench mid air are absolutely useless,"  he snorts.  "It's quite obvious that these will never be able to trap significant quantities of stench - most of it isn't floating free in the air anyway, it's attached to furniture, clothes, walls and floors.  On top of that, there's no way that you can successfully transfer any of the stench you do collect to a container using such an implement."

Farper recommends that only proper electrically operated stench suction devices should be used.  "Small, hand held models are available for home use - these have reinforced stench collection containers inside which can easily be emptied into whatever you are packing the stench into by reversing them to blow.  Obviously, they are more expensive than the manually operated devices, but still much less expensive than industrial grade machines," he says.  "Although not as efficient as the types used by the professionals, they are perfectly adequate for stench packing in the average home."  Farper also cautions that most amateurs don't look for stench in the right places.  "It's easy to assume that the worst stench will be found in, say, the bathroom.  But, in truth, bedrooms are complete stench pits - particularly after a night of sex and/or flatulence," he observes.  "Living rooms can often be afflicted by excessive foot stench while kitchens are an obvious source of pungent stench - and remember, you have to extract it from actual objects, not just the air, if you want a really stench free home." He adds that you should always be sure to dispose of your packed stench only at registered local authority stench depots.  Failure to do so could result in prosecution if your dumped stench is traced back to you.

Farper is convinced that following his guidelines will ensure that you  are unlikely to be embarrassed in your own home by unwanted stench.  "Nowadays, with people increasingly going to the gym or exercising hard, coming home sweaty and with clothes drenched in sweat, not to mention the increased flatulence caused by our high fibre diets, it's all too easy for stench to build up in our living spaces," he says.  "Inflicting that stench on visitors or passers by is clearly unacceptable, so adopting sound stench packing techniques is essential."