Cocaine On The Buses

I keep seeing this trailer for a TV documentary about 'Britain's Biggest Cocaine Dealer' who, apparently, was a bus driver, a job that allowed him to make lots of street-level contracts for distributing his shit.  Mow, I'm never going to watch it because it's on a subscription channel and as everyone knows, I just can't be arsed to pay any of the big streaming platforms for content.  But that trailer set me to thinking about another possible 're-imagining' of a classic TV series for the modern era, (as those aforementioned streamers are all fond of doing, usually with predictably crap results).  This one's obvious: On The Buses.  Yes, that seventies sitcom could be re-tooled for the twenty first century with a darker twist - Stan and Jack could be selling drugs from their bus.  That's why they are always late - they are always having to make diversions to pick up new customers and drop off more smack and crack.  That and the fact that they are off of their faces on their own product half the time.  Cue hilarious scenes of the bus weaving down the street, with a spaced out Stan at the wheel, mounting the pavement and wiping out several people at a bus stop. The episode could continue with Stan and Jack trying to cover up their crime, loading the bodies on the bus and going off route to the middle of nowhere to bury them in unmarked graves.  That's the kind of black humour they like these days, isn't it?

Obviously, Blakey is still trying to catch them out, not just with spot checks on their route, but with drug tests at the depot, as well.  Which could lead to yet more hilarious scenes of Jack and Stan bribing other staff to provide them with fake blood and urine samples.  It could all go wrong when Jack uses a sample from one of the 'birds' and the results come back positive for pregnancy.  When Blakey gets too close to the truth, Jack and Stan could try to assassinate him with a drive by shooting from their bus, as the inspector waits at a bus stop.  It could all be shot in slow motion, with Jack opening up with an Uzi from the rear platform of the bus, while Stan looses off from his .45 automatic from the cab window, the glass in the bus shelter shattering under a hail of bullets as Blakey dives for cover.  Although he survives the shooting - despite being riddled with bullets - Blakey can't make a positive identification of the shooters, or even the bus, Stan and Jack having cunningly changed the route number and destination boards. Another plot could involve a rival drug crew working out the depot, culminating with a running gun battle between their two double decker buses as they career down the High Street, Stan and Jack and their rivals having packed out their respective buses with gangs, all armed to the teeth and occupying window seats.  You see, this stuff practically writes itself once you've established the initial idea.  Hell, you could even have a scenario where Stan's brother-in-law Arthur's new job turns out to be with the drug squad.  Much hilarity ensues as Olive finds herself torn between loyalty to her brother and loyalty to Arthur.  God damn it!  I'm going to have to send this one off the Netflix...