The Radioactive Chapati Conspiracy

There was a piece in The Guardian today about how scientists fed radioactive chapatis to unsuspecting Punjabi women in Coventry during the 1960s as part of an experiment on iron absorption.  While the article focused on the ethics and legality of experimenting on people without their consent, I couldn't help but feel disappointed that it didn't include commentary from any right-wing crackpots spinning conspiracy theories that it was all part of a secret plot by the then Labour government to create a race of 'Super-Asians'.  I mean, it writes itself really - a new race of Asians who can work harder and longer than any white person, for a lower hourly rate.  It would explain everything: the mass unemployment amongst the traditional working classes of the eighties wasn't the fault of Thatcher's economic policies, but rather down to the rise of the new 'Super-Asians'.  In turn, this lead to the disenfranchisement of the white working classes, resulting in them turning to the extreme right.  Race riots?  Well, they certainly weren't formented by the extreme right in this alternate reality, but rather were acts of self-defence by white workers against their super-powered Asian oppressors.  Fast forwarding to last summer, how come, despite being besieged by mobs of white rioters with firebombs, no Mosques or hotels full of asylum seekers weren't burned down?  Because they were being protected by groups of the these 'Super-Asians', using their super strong breath to blow out the flames and their super speed to snatch firebombs from the hands of rioters before they could throw them.

Doubtless, it would be claimed, these 'Super-Asians' were also more virile than white men, hence the explosion in their numbers during the seventies and eighties.  Their super powers mean that they can just outbreed white Brits, turning us into a minority in our own city.  Worse, their powers of mind control are probably why so many white women fall for them, bearing their children, further 'diluting' the race.  To the demented of the extreme right, those radioactive chapatis are the explanation for several of our cities 'falling' to the Asians, as the 'Super-Asians' forcibly took them over.  No doubt, in their warped world, Sadiq Khan, Mayor of London, only won by using his hypnotic superpowers to get people to vote for him.  (Ignoring the fact that the women who were secretly irradiated were of Punjabi origin, while Khan is of Pakistani descent - but hey, they're all the same, aren't they?).  Mind you, some British politicians of Asian descent are definitely not 'Super-Asians' - Rishi Sunak, Priti Patel and Suella Braverman come to mind, although supporters of Boris Johnson might argue that the only way that he could have been deposed was via Sunak using his superpowers to undermine him.  But, as noted, the article didn't include anything like this, which was very remiss of the author, as I'm sure that we would all welcome yet another crazy right-wing conspiracy theory that stokes racial divisions and reinforces culture stereotypes.  It's what we need right now, something that can explain all of the country's problems by tracing them back to some radioactive chapatis fed to Asian women in the Midlands by radical leftist scientists, who were themselves probably hippies off their faces on LSD.  I mean, it makes perfect sense, doesn't it?