It's a Disease...

"My name is Chris and I'm an arse grabber".  Presumably the 'medical treatment' that Tory MP and former Deputy Chief Whip Chris Pincher has sought consists of attending 'Arse Grabbers Anonymous' meetings.  I mean, it has to exist, doesn't it - they've got these organisations for everything else, so why not for alleged sex offenders?  Because, you know, it's a disease, isn't it?  "I'm addicted to men's bottoms - I just can't resist the urge to grab those lovely cheeks and squeeze them into one," they no doubt sit around telling each other, before going to tell how they've been 'two weeks clean': "I haven't attended a bare arsed spanking party for an entire fortnight - back in the day I was at them daily, playing them like bongos and slapping out big band tunes on those glowing cheeks."  Or, perhaps, how they've fallen off of the wagon: "I couldn't help myself - I saw this fantastic arse walking in front of me - like two puppies fighting in a sack - and I just had to grab it."  But not to worry, at least they are getting help, thanks to their sponsors and twelve step programme, (that's 'step', not 'spank').  The positive to take from all of this, apparently, is that Boris Johnson didn't have any specific knowledge of Pincher's alleged arse grabbing when appointing him to the whips office.  It's the use of the word 'specific' that bothers me, though.  Does these mean that he knew Pincher was a perv in general, but didn't know that he was specifically an arse man?

Mind you, these days it would surely be be seen as an asset to have a sexual quirk in order to hold high office.  Even rank-and-file Tory back benchers watch internet porn on their phones in the Commons, so you have to have some far quirkier sexual kink in order to become a junior minister, let alone join the cabinet.  You can guarantee that all the Tory wannabees are currently scrabbling around to find some really archaic form of deviancy with which to secure promotion - how about piquerism, (a fetish for sticking needles in ladies' behinds and breasts)?  I mean, that isn't your everyday perversion, is it?  Maybe, Tory MPs could develop their own version, involving sticking the points of their umbrellas into ladies' nether regions?  After all, developing a new kink, even if it is just a novel variation on an old one, would surely demonstrate the sort of initiative and resourcefulness required to succeed at the very top, wouldn't it?  But they'd really have to excel in the deviance stakes if they want to have a chance of toppling the 'Big Swinging Dick' (as he likes to refer to himself), the UK's 'Pervert-in-Chief', Boris Johnson, for the very top job.  This is the guy who doesn't deal in trivial stuff like watching porn in the commons or grabbing guy's arses at the Carlton Club.  Oh no.  This is the guy who allegedly gets his mistress a blow job in his parliamentary office on the promise of getting her a high paying job at the Foreign Office and doesn't even lock the door!  Oh yeah, the risk of the likes of Gavin Williamson walking in and catching him 'on the job' is all part of the perverted thrill!  Makes you wonder, doesn't it, as to what else he gets up to?  What's the betting that when it all turns to shit, he won't be retreating to his bunker, like Hitler, but rather to his bondage dungeon?