Monday, November 18, 2019

Dreaming of a White Santa?

I very nearly found myself getting tangled up in the Craphester Christmas light turning on thing last Friday.  I really thought that I'd be in and out of the town centre with my shopping before it all kicked off.  But then I remembered that I needed to get something from Wilkinsons - which is situated right next to the epicentre of the event - so I found myself coming out of there just as it was all starting.  It wasn't so much the hordes of small children running around that bothered me, as the individual who apparently was acting as some kind of Master of Ceremonies.  He had what looked like a stick on white beard and was wearing a spangly white suit and matching bowler hat.  I mean, what's wrong with just having a traditional Santa?  Or maybe he was some kind of 'woke' Santa - rejecting the evil corporate Coca Cola inspired customary red costume in favor of the 'Demented Twat' look.  Anyway, for a nasty moment I thought that he was coming my way.  I prayed that he wouldn't approach me: it would have been hugely traumatic for those kids to have seen me tell 'Woke Santa' - or whatever the fuck he was meant to be - to fuck off.  But luckily he changed direction and I was able to escape back home and spend the rest of the afternoon watching Funeral in Berlin on Film Four.

Still, it could have been worse - those pillocks on stilts were wandering around the event as well and, in my book, they are always bad news.  As you might recall from some of my previous rantings, one such stilted bastard one smacked me in the face with a plastic fish on a string while I was minding my own business, walking through the town centre.  Since then, I've considered these wankers to be Public Enemy Number One.  They really have no business on the streets of Crapchester and I'm fully prepared to saw through their stilts if they come near me again.  The only positive I could see was that there weren't any of those bloody 'living statues' loitering around the switch on event.  They really are the pits, thinking that standing still constitutes entertainment.  I have to say, though, that this year's Christmas light display continues the downward trend of recent years here in Crapchester.  To be honest, it is all pretty shitty.  The lights get sparser every year, the side attractions ever thinner on the ground.  For the second year running, Santa's train is missing from the main shopping centre.  It used to be one the highlights of my year to see the teen aged job seekers forced to dress as elves for the duration, looking utterly miserable as they conduct kids on a miniature train ride past several fake reindeer and a sled. 

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