Political Affairs

What the Tory leadership contest has been lacking so far is a good sex scandal.  Sure, they've tried to have a bit of a drugs scandal, with the candidates all trying to outdo each other for the 'edgiest' youthful drug exploits.  But this just backfired, making some of them look like utter hypocrites, rather than the slightly roguish 'characters' who were still in touch with 'youth culture'. they had obviously hoped that it would make them look.  But a sex scandal, handled the right way, can often be beneficial to candidate.  Just ask Bill Clinton.  When I say 'sex scandal', I don't, of course, mean anything involving the police being called because of an argument so loud that it frightens and disturbs the neighbours.  That simply results in the press being able to cast the candidate involved as some kind of potentially violent abuser.  No, a good sex scandal, properly handled by the publicists, can enhance the candidate's standing in certain demographics.  Male ones mainly.  But when it comes to Tory leadership elections, that's the one that counts: middle aged, middle class males.  A well staged affair between a male candidate, (obviously), and a younger attractive woman, can effectively allow all those male Tory party members to indulge their own middle aged fantasies of getting off with some 'fit bird' half their age.  "If some dishevelled fat git like him can still get his end away, so  canI," they think.  "He's got my vote." Or perhaps the muse: "Well, he's still got lead in his pencil, eh!  Good for him to still be able to stick it some young bint three times a night.  He's got my vote!"

Of course, the revelation of  a candidate's continued sexual prowess via a well staged affair will also appeal to even less noble sentiments among Tory members.  "Well, at we know he isn't queer," some will undoubtedly say, or "I just thank God he isn't shagging blokes" - in either case, he'll get their votes.  There's also always the chance that you might be able to get some of those female Tory voters on side, too, with a few well placed quotes from the 'crumpet' in the affair in a 'kiss and tell' story carefully released to selected tabloids.  You know the sort of thing - "He satisfied me four times a night, seven days a week", or "There was no deficit in his endowment", or maybe even "After our nights of passion, I have no fears about him pulling out of Brexit".   That's the sort of thing that could get the blue rinse brigade swooning.  Obviously, any staged affair has to be well thought out - the age difference between candidate and girl, for instance, has to be carefully managed: if it is too great, there is a danger he will simply come over as a 'dirty old man' or, worse, a 'cradle snatcher'.  You'd also have to consider things like how ugly the candidate is and pair him with a girl who isn't so beautiful that the whole idea of mutual attraction is utterly unfeasible.  You also have to make out sure that there's nothing kinky about it - headlines about "My five in a bed drug fueled gang bang with minister" would just be counter productive.  Although I suspect that hints of whippings and black leather might play well with certain sections of the Tory membership.  But hey, the sex scandal boat has well and truly sailed for this Tory leadership contest.  Of the two candidates left, nobody would believe Jeremy Hunt of being capable of an affair and no sane person surely even wants to think about the possibility of Boris Johnson getting naked and jiggy with it.