Phantom of Downing Street

Following the rejection by parliament of her Brexit deal, Prime Minister Theresa May surprised the nation by calling a press conference outside Ten Downing Street to announce that, when drafting the failed deal, the had been possessed by the spirit of Margaret Thatcher.  "I know that it was a crappy deal that satisfied nobody, but it really wasn't my fault," she claimed.  "I just found myself writing it - I was powerless to resist the spirit of my illustrious predecessor, who is determined to pursue here Eurosceptic agenda from beyond the grave.  I implore everyone - my cabinet, my party and the wider electorate - not to hate me something I actually had no control over."  Commentators were divided in their response to the statement, with some claiming it was conclusive evidence of the Prime Minister having lost the plot, while others hailed it as a brilliant piece of political strategy.  "On the one hand she absolves herself of responsibility for one of the biggest political defeats in history by ascribing her actions to a supernatural entity, while on the other, by invoking the name of Margaret Thatcher, she raises the possibility of gaining the support of the Tory hard right if she presents the deal to the Commons again," enthuses Hank Brickler, political editor of The Shite.  "After all, how could they vote against something they now know was actually drafted by their heroine?"  Brickler added that he confidently expects Jacob Rees-Mogg and other members of the European Reform Group to perform a volte face over May's deal and support it if represented for a second vote.

Sceptics, however, have dismissed May's statement as being 'utterly ridiculous', pointing out that the photo produced by her office in support of her claims, allegedly showing a spirit form looming over May as she prepared her deal in her Downing Street office, is an obvious fake.  "The so called ghost is clearly just Environment Secretary Michael Gove with a sheet over his head," Joe Brieze-Block, political columnist for The Daily Norks snorts derisorily.  "Truth is, he was probably only there trying to scare her into a heart attack, in the hope that he could step into her shoes."   Brickler, nevertheless, believes that May's claims might have some credence, pointing out that Ten Downing Street has a history of hauntings.  "Margaret Thatcher herself was frequently disturbed by the sound of her predecessor as Tory leader Ted Heath's distinctive laugh echoing around the house in dead of night," he says.  "Every time she suffered a setback - there it would be 'Ho, ho ho!', mocking her.  If it wasn't that, it was the sound of his famous organ reverberating through the building at dead of night.  Of course, he wasn't actually dead at the time - it turned out that he was hiding out in the basement of Downing Street with his organ, driven insane by jealousy at his hated rival's success.  A bit like the Phantom of the Opera."

In a further development, an anonymous source in the Prime Minister's office has conceded that May's statement represented a last minute attempt to avoid blame for the colossal failure of Brexit and to desperately cling to her job.  "We all know that it was a pretty crap attempt to sidestep responsibility, but it was the best we could come up with at short notice," said the source.  "We originally planned to have her vanish over the Christmas break, abducted by aliens perhaps, then reappear when the whole Brexit fiasco was over, so that she didn't have to accept any of the blame for it - she could just come back and carry on as if nothing had happened, like she usually does.   But with all the furore over that bloody vote being delayed, she was never out of the public eye long enough over the festive period to organise a disappearance properly."  According to the source, alternative strategies included the Prime Minister going on a Christmas cruise to the Caribbean and vanishing into the Bermuda Triangle, or vanishing while she ran through a corn field, re-emerging several weeks later, claiming that she had been abducted by the fairy folk.  "We even considered having her disappear in the classic fashion, apparently vanishing into thin air after she stepped around to the other side of her car, turning up again weeks later claiming to have no memory of the intervening period,"  they mused. "But the fact is that she can't even get out of a bloody car, let alone walk around to the other side."