Shoot 'Em in the Commons

The recent 'no confidence' debate in the UK's parliament was thrown into chaos when, following Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn's description of Theresa May's administration as a 'zombie government', a back bencher opened fire with a shotgun.  "It seemed the natural thing to do," Jake Pring, Labour MP for Prickley South explained later. "Every film I've ever seen says that the best way to deal with zombies is to shoot them in the head!"  Sixty eight year old Pring admitted that he had been dozing off during the debate, but hearing his leader use the word 'zombie'. he jerked awake and acted on reflex, pulling out the double-barrelled shotgun he keeps under his seat and opening fire on the government benches.  He denied that there was anything unusual in keeping a loaded firearm in the House.  "It can get pretty bloody rough in there during debates," he claimed.  "It isn't just those capitalistic bloodsuckers on the Tory benches you have to protect yourself against - you need to look out for some of those rabid left wing nutters on our own benches as well!  Only last month old Fred Sibbons, the member for Wickersham Old Fogey, was bitten by one these young lefties and, next thing anyone knew, he started calling for nuclear disarmament,re-nationalisation of the railways and transgender equality!" 

The Metropolitan Police, who have faced much criticism in the wake of the incident, with many critics alarmed that they had allowed a firearm into parliament, have confirmed that it is commonplace for MPs to be armed during debates.  "The Chancellor, Philip Hammond, routinely carries a derringer up his sleeve in case of ambush by the European Reform Group," a police spokesperson claimed.  "Prime Minister May regularly wears a western quick draw rig with twin colt peace makers, while Jeremy Corbyn who, obviously, doesn't approve of guns, sports a silver topped cane instead, in case of werewolf attacks."  For its part, the Labour party has confirmed that it will be launching an investigation into Pring's behaviour, but has stopped short of condemning his actions.  "While, clearly, there were no actual zombies present at the debate, it should be remembered that several members of the government benches are, in fact, well over a hundred years old - how else do we explain their archaic beliefs?" Deputy Leader Tom Watson told a press conference.  "Jacob Rees-Mogg, for instance, is obviously a survivor of the Victorian era.  I think we can all understand why Jake Pring, startled from his slumber, should be terrified of these living fossils, moaning and shambling around the benches opposite.  Our main reservation lies in his use of a shotgun to defend himself, which goes against current party guidelines - wooden stakes are preferred for dealing with the suspected undead, as they represent a renewable resource and support British craftsmen.  Either that, or a decent sword forged from British steel."