Monday, January 28, 2019

Busted Flush?

Apparently, it's toilet paper we should be stockpiling.  Most of the wood pulp used in its production is imported (from Sweden).  Which means that toilet paper production will be highly vulnerable to any transport chaos caused by a 'No Deal' Brexit.  So, either stockpile the stuff now in your Brexit Bunker, or stop putting all those old newspapers out for recycling.  They could be like gold dust post-Brexit - cut them up into toilet-paper sized squares and you'll find yourself sitting on the hottest commodity in Britain.  People will be desperate to get their hands (not to mention arses) on your old newspapers.  You could charge what you liked, (or, more likely post Brexit, barter them for vital tinned foods).  And to think, all those fools were saying that print media was dead!  Perhaps the one good thing to come out of Brexit will a resurgence of popularity for newspapers.  Although not necessarily for their news content.  I don't know about you, but I find it deeply disturbing that this is where we are - contemplating not being able to wipe our arses properly after 29 March.  We're facing the prospect of martial law being imposed after a possible 'No Deal' Brexit if serious civil unrest breaks out as a result of the toilet paper shortages.

Which might well happen.  While some people might be able to get their hands on some of that black market news print as a substitute, others without the financial means to access such stuff might well be forced into drastic action.  They might become sufficiently desperate to try using such other household items as scouring pads or wire wool to wipe themselves instead - with dire consequences.  If anything is likely to cause rioting, it is an epidemic of sore arses rubbed raw by caustic toilet tissue substitutes.  Even if people do use the old newspapers instead, it could still cause problems, as, if the newsprint rubs off, they could find themselves with blackened backsides - which could cause race riots amongst the white supremacists.  I mean, just imagine the reaction of some hardened racist when they discover that their bum is now black?  They'd probably start by spanking their own arses in order to punish the 'black bastards', before blaming political correctness imposed by the government and going onto the streets to protest.  Now, I know what you are thinking: in the absence of toilet paper, couldn't people just go medieval on their arses (so to speak) and use dock leaves and the like instead?  Well, there's no way the environmental lobby is going to allow that, now is it?  They'll be banging on about the appalling exploitation pf plants - soiling their leaves with human excrement, etc.  If only we'd gone more European when we had the chance and followed the example of those fiendish French by adopting the bidet, then we wouldn't be facing revolution post-Brexit, would we?

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