Monday, February 27, 2017

Corbyn of Steel

Bearing in mind that Labour is currently heading toward electoral oblivion under a leader who keeps promising that he won't step down, no matter how bad things get, and taking into account recent claims that, very soon, there will be no job a human can do that a robot won't be able to do better, the solution to the party's problems is clearly staring us in the face.  A new improved mechanical Corbyn - easily reprogrammable with relevant policies could well represent the way ahead for British socialism.  It would be bound to be more charasmatic than the real Corbyn.  When giving a speech, it could spurt steam from its ears to indicate it's anger over inequality, for instance, or have its eyes flash to emphasise passion.  Finally, once it had finished a speech, it could spin its head round amusingly.  Perhaps they could have a robot Tom Watson as Deputy Leader: its chest could fly open and fire entryist seeking missiles when called upon to clean up the party's membership lists.

The only problem with this plans lies in getting rid of the current model Corbyn.  Bearing in mind that he increasingly looks like an advertisement foe euthanasia, perhaps he could somehow be persuaded to take a trip to one of those Swiss clinics.  maybe someone could convince him that it was an international allotment holders convention, or something.  But perhaps it would be as simple as presenting him with a new pair of slippers and a nice warm cardigan, which will persuade Corbyn that it is time to hung up his boots.  But whatever it takes, Labour's robot upgrade will be well overdue: mechanisation is, we're increasingly told, the future.  of course, when it happens, it will undoubtedly spark a political 'arms race', as the other parties also seek to automate their front benches.  The Commons would be reduced to 'Robot Wars' as 'Techno' Theresa May's arms, tipped with hammers, span around wildly as she tried to force through Brexit in the face of a robot Ken Clarke laying down a smokescreen with his super-vaping electronic cigar.  Everyone, though, would have to be beware Robo-Boris, with his buzz saw concealed in his arse...

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