Thursday, April 21, 2016

Star Whackers?

So, another one bites the dust.  Well, two actually, as Victoria Wood died yesterday and Prince turned up his toes today.  By my mother's reckoning, of course, another celebrity death must be imminent in order to fulfill her observation that 'they always go in threes'.  But so far this year, it's been far more than three - it feels like there's been a celebrity holocaust.  But is there something more sinister behind this sudden increase in celebrity mortality?  Are all these deaths down to illness, accidents and natural causes?  Was crazy man Randy Quaid right - are there professional 'star whackers' out there?  If you recall, some years ago Quaid and his wife used the 'star whacker' allegations as a defence for fleeing to Canada after arrest warrants were issued against them for, as I recall, an unpaid hotel bill in, I think, Texas.  Their claim was that stars were being 'whacked' in fake accidents and illnesses so that shadowy Hollywood movers and shakers could get their hands on their extortionate insurance pay outs.

So, are some shady agents currently enjoying an insurance wind fall?  Perhaps their investments haven't been going well, so they've had to 'cash in' some of their celebrity investments.  Maybe there's something even more sinister going on, though.  What if it isn't about money at all?  What if this is some kind of cull?  Perhaps this year's wave of celebrity deaths is actually the result of some kind of secret moral fundamentalist group trying to purge popular culture of 'unsuitable role models'?  I mean, just look at some of the casualties:  Lemmy from Motorhead, David Bowie and now Prince.  All of them have courted controversy over the years, frequently outraging the moralists.  I'm sure that many concerned parents out there were dismayed to find their sons' putting up posters of cross-dressing Bowie over the years, or hard drinking, hard smoking and hard swearing Lemmy, for that matter.  OK, I know what you are thinking - how could Victoria Wood ever have been seen as an unsuitable role model?  Obviously, she incurred the secret group's wrath by encouraging women to be emancipated and independent, telling them that they were the equal of men.  Besides, there's bound to be some collateral damage in a large scale operation like this celebrity cull.  Plus, they have to do in a few celebs who don't fit the profile, so as to throw everyone off the scent.  Believe me, this conspiracy isn't over yet - brace yourselves for many more celebrity deaths over the next few months!

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