That Badgered Feeling

Is the flooding of the Somerset Levels the consequence of a botched attempt by the Department of the Environment to cull badgers in the West Country?  Despite denials by the government, rumours persist that, having been defeated by the badgers during an earlier cull attempt last year - according to the Environment Secretary, Owen Paterson, the badgers 'moved the goal posts', frustrating attempts to shoot them - it was decided to instead drown them en masse, by flooding their habitats in the region.  "It's all got out of bloody hand!" seventy three year old Somerset farmer Archie Giblets told a local newspaper.  "They've pumped so much water into the area that we're the ones being flushed out, whilst those furry black and white bastards have all escaped to a safe haven!"  Indeed, several witnesses are claiming to have seen local badgers commandeering boats, dinghies and canoes, often by force, in order to make their escape.  "My mate Barty Bellowes swears he saw this gang of badgers ambush a boat carrying a family of five to safety as it passed some trees," claims Giblets.  "The bastards leaped out of the trees and swarmed all over the boat like bloody pirates!  They were biting and clawing the occupants until they were forced to abandon their boat and swim for it! Last he saw of the boat, it were heading south east with a badger at the tiller and at least fifteen more as passengers!" 

Many believe that the badgers are heading for the new Sussex badger sanctuary recently set up by former Queen guitarist Brian May.  "The bastards know they'll be safe there, while the rest of us drown," grumbles Giblets.  "It's bloody typical - townies bastards like that Queen bloke will spend millions on badger sanctuaries, but there's not a bloody penny to spare for flood defences to save our homes!"  The Environment Department has hit back at the allegations that the flooding was a deliberate anti-badger tactic by claiming that, on the contrary, the flooding was actually caused by the badgers, as part of their retaliation for last year's attempted cull.  "They haven't just moved the goal posts this time, they've water-logged the entire pitch," said a spokesperson.   "It turns out they spent the entire time between the suspension of the cull and Christmas filling drains and ditches across Somerset with earth from their setts, not to mention dumping tons of dirt into the rivers so as to silt them up!"  According to the spokesperson, the flooding isn't the only retaliatory action carried out by the badgers.  "We're pretty sure that they were behind the gassing in their homes of the families of several of the pest control agents involved in the culls," he claimed. "Then there's the recent attempt at political assassination which has left Owen Paterson in hospital with a detached retina after a crazed badger ambushed him as he inspected flood defences in Chertsey earlier this month!"