Offending the Offenders

The Pope's doves being attacked by a seagull and a crow and a mini-tornado in Chobham hurling feral cats into the air - what does it all mean?  Probably nothing, but the news early this week seemed to be full of such bizarre animal stories.  Perhaps the media think we need this kind of distraction from the relentlessly depressing catalogues of alleged sexual abuse at the hands of various 1970s TV celebrities emerging from our courts, (actually, on a side note, when I saw that Bernard Cribbins was a guest on the One Show tonight, I found myself thinking 'They're taking a bit of risk aren't they - he was on children's telly in the seventies, he could be accused of being a nonce at any moment').   Amidst all these sordid court cases, with their accusations of grubby back room gropings, secret buggerings and illicit knee-tremblers, I'm left pondering that there must surely be a better way to deal with this issue.  Maybe we could introduce some kind of uber-sex offender who preys on other sex offenders?  It would save us millions if deployed as an alternative to criminal prosecution.

I can see that you are confused. Allow me to elaborate.  I'm proposing that the state employs a professional sex offender who, whenever someone is accused of sexual offences and there's a reasonable case against them, goes round and does to the offender what they are alleged to have done to their victims.  Let's take Dave Lee Travis as an example.  Now, if it was true that he has been going around groping women's breasts and bottoms for the last forty years or so, (which, obviously hasn't been proven, meaning that he is innocent, but this is just a hypothetical thought experiment), instead of prosecuting him, the uber-sex offender could stroll into DLT's radio studio, hurl him across the sound desk, pull his pants down and violently squeeze his arse cheeks with both hands.  Possibly kneading them together with a grip so hard that it leaves livid red finger marks on his arse and administering a good hard testicle tugging.  But obviously, this wouldn't happen as DLT hasn't been proven of gratuitous sexual manhandlings.  To give another example - when Jimmy Savile was first accused of kiddie fiddling while he was alive, instead of prosecuting him, (which the police couldn't be bothered to do in reality), the authorities could have sent the uber-offender round to give him a good hard buggering.  I'm pretty sure that if he had been bum raped until his third eye bled, Sir Jimmy would have thought twice about sex offending again.  So, there you have it - a simple idea to ensure justice is done whilst saving the taxpayer money.  I'm sending it off to the Justice Ministry now...