Jim Fixed Us All

The full extent of Jimmy Savile's sexual abuse is finally becoming clearer.  Whilst early estimates put the number of his victims at around three hundred, police now believe that the true total is much, much higher.  "We now believe that Jimmy Savile sexually abused everyone in the UK during the 1970s and 1980s," Chief Inspector Jim Dibbler of the Metropolitan Police has told a press conference at Scotland Yard.  "It is clear from the numbers of people coming forward to report encounters with Savile since the scandal first broke, that nobody was left untouched by this pervert.  We're not sure how he did it - possibly it involved some kind of hypnosis when he was presenting Jim'll Fix It and Top of the Pops - but he definitely abused the entire nation during this period."  Dibbler himself has now recovered long-suppressed memories of his own ordeal at the hands of the dead DJ.  "It was 1981 and, like millions of others, I was watching Jim'll Fix It one Saturday night," he recalls, sobbing.  "Suddenly Jimmy looked directly at me and told me to get my cock out and wave it at the TV.  Of course I did what he told me - he was Jimmy Savile and I was only nine!"  The police believe that Savile used his hypnotic powers to make his millions of victims forget their ordeals - only now are they remembering and coming forward.  "He's the bastard who buggered an entire nation," sobs Diddler.

The BBC, meanwhile, has announced that it is taking measures to ensure that there can never be a recurrence of the Savile scandal.  "We've taken the 'magic chair' he sat in when he presented Jim'll Fix It out of storage and had it burned," said a spokesperson.  "We're convinced that he transferred his evil spirit to that chair and that anyone who sits in will become possessed and start groping young women."  However, a former prop builder for Savile's TV series has warned that more than one chair was built for the dead nonce's TV series.  "There was a red one and a blue one - only the red one has been destroyed," he has told a popular tabloid.  "The blue one is still out there, probably in some collector or fan's shed, ready to create another monster like Savile!"  The BBC has also confirmed that it is currently having Savile digitally removed from every edition of Top of the Pops that he presented, and replaced with 'Diddy' David Hamilton.  "At least we know Hamilton isn't a nonce," the BBC spokesperson told the press.  "He's just a crap DJ."  Finally, the corporation has refused to confirm that it is planning a Savile sex abuse special episode of popular talkshow The Graham Norton Show, in which the Irish funnyman will interview three celebrity victims of the DJ's abuse, helping them to recover suppressed memories of their ordeals.  A spokesperson refused to comment on reports that one of the guests would be Carol Thatcher, who would recall how 'Uncle Jimmy' had groped her in the cupboard under the stairs at Chequers one Christmas when he was a guest of her mother, former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher.