A Dump in the Park

Another day, another ministerial scandal. This time it is Cabinet Office Minister Oliver Letwin dumping in a public park in London. I know that government ministers, drunk on their new found power, often develop strange fetishes, like shagging blokes on Clapham Common, but really - taking a dump in a park? To make it worse, he was apparently using his official correspondence to wipe his arse. At least, that's what I initially thought, having misread another headline. Actually, I think a story about a Tory minister burying a quaker in Regent's Park would have been far more interesting - especially if accompanied by a few pictures of Letwin straining in the shrubs, his trousers and underwear around his ankles, and an armed bodyguard keeping watch.

The papers could then have followed the pictures up with an interview with a grossly offended constituent, who had been shown the letter they had sent Letwin, now crumpled up and covered in skid marks, which reporters had recovered from the park. The tabloids could have had tales of parties of school children left traumatised by having seen a government minister taking a shit in a public place, whilst Radio Four could have run a story about how the stench from his public crappings was killing the wildlife in the park. But sadly, Letwin instead decided to be a common or garden idiot, and just dispose of his ministerial correspondence in waste bins in public parks. I know the government's spending cuts are even being felt in Whitehall, but you'd think they could still afford a shredder for ministerial offices, wouldn't you?