Is Your Neighbour a Paedophile?

Here's something I found on the hard drive of my old steam-driven PC when I was searching for something else. It dates back about ten years and, to be honest, I have no recollection of writing, let alone publishing it. Certainly, it never got archived when I revamped The Sleaze in 2003. But what the hell, I thought I'd dust it off and publish it here...

Just when you thought the furore over paedophiles had died down, we here at The Sleaze aim to stir it up again! This time, in order to avoid the wrong people getting their houses torched or their pet cats hanged just because they share a name with someone named and shamed in the papers or look vaguely like one of the published photos (ie they have two arms and two legs), we offer a handy guide to recognising these disgraceful perverts. The key thing to remember is that most of the time they look and act just like us. Unlike regular Hollywood-type monsters and psychos, they don’t sleep in coffins and only come out at night or wear hockey masks and eat people’s livers. Oh no. They are far more subtle than that. When searching for your neighbourhood child molester there are a few basic things you should be looking for: the Inspector Clouseau hat, the moustache and the dirty raincoat. Remember though, any of these items alone do not necessarily indicate that someone is a paedophile - it is only when they are all seen together on a single individual that you need to start getting worried. Another accoutrement to look out for in combination with them are the old cotton gloves and, most damningly of all, the bag of sweets. If all of these are found together, lock up your kids and gather that lynch mob. The clincher will be if the suspect has been seen roaming around kiddies playgrounds saying “Want a sweetie little girl/boy?”

However, paedophiles are cunning and they often operate without their usual equipment - especially if they know that they are under suspicion. So, another way of finding out who the twisted perverts in our midst are, is to ask your local newsagent which of your neighbours has a standing order for “Teenage Hookers” or “100% Jailbait” magazines. Alternatively, find out from the local video store who has been renting out Lolita (especially the recent remake with Jeremy Irons - he always plays perverts). Other individuals to be suspicious of are Kylie Minogue fans. I mean, she’s always looked about fourteen, so you have to be suspicious of any grown man who admits to fancying her. Similarly, adult males who watch kids programmes like Grange Hill and Byker Grove have to be pretty suspect too. Finally, another type of person to be very wary of is the local retired or semi-retired 1970s glamrock star. Be very suspicious if they wear an obvious wig and outrageous glitter-covered costumes. They’re the worst.

So gentle readers, our challenge this month is to use our short guide here to track down your local paedophiles and drive them out of town. We’re offering prizes to those readers who expose the most paedophiles - but we want photographic evidence. We want to see the silly hats, moustaches and bags of sweets. There will be bonus prizes for those who send the perverts packing! Now, we here at “The Sleaze” would never advocate violence and mob rule - but the police are short of resources and over-stretched these days, so taking the law into your own hands would allow them to allocate their valuable time to fighting proper crimes. As at least one Tory activist is bound to tell his conference this year; mob rule is a good thing as it takes the pressure off of scarce public resources. Anyway, the results will probably not be published in the next issue. Happy hunting!