Age Before Beauty

In a surprise move, the makers of ITV's 'Celebrity' Love Island have put 106 year old former Radio 1 DJ Jimmy Saville onto the island. "It is all about demographics," explains a spokesperson for ITV. "All those bronzed young bodies we had in there - they just weren't attracting the viewers in - they appealed mainly to the under twenty fives, a group that just doesn't watch TV anymore. If they want porn they just surf the net. To get the big audiences in, we had to cater to the main TV-watching demographic: the over seventies." Viewers and contestants alike looked on aghast as the veteran broadcaster arrived, clad in a skimpy pair of speedos, trademark gold chains rattling and chanting his catchphrase "Now then, now then!" as he waved his big cigar. "If the sight of those wrinkly buttocks don't get us at least two million geriatric viewers, I don't know what will," commented an ITV executive.

Within hours of his arrival the former DJ was causing controversy, having allegedly tied up one of the other contestants who had apparently annoyed him. "I just asked him to stop blowing cigar smoke in my direction, and he clocked me one," claimed 21 year old Jimmy Titt, a former personal trainer to camp comic Julian Clary. "Next thing I knew I was tied up in a cupboard! The bastard left me there for four hours!" For his part, ex-coal miner Saville, credited with having invented the gay disco in 1943, when he entertained a group of off duty sailors with his crank-up gramophone during a black out, asserted that Titt had been getting "too friendly" with a female contestant - 19 year old Wendy Pikestaff - and that he'd merely acted to preserve her virtue. "I caught the dirty little perv staring down her cleavage, boys and girls! He had to be taught a lesson - how would the viewers at home feel if it was their granddaughter being leched over in the way, eh?" asked the pensioner, before propositioning the bikini-clad beauty - who once appeared in a crowd scene in teen soap Hollyoaks - himself. "It was really creepy - he wanted me to pretend to be dead," she later told viewers. "I was supposed to leap up shouting 'I'm alive - Jim Fixed it For Me!' as I felt his cigar touch my leg! I mean, I've heard those rumours, but I never thought there was anything to them until now!"

Saville, (who, contrary to popular urban myth, does not have a restraining order against him preventing him from approaching any mortuary in the Greater London area), caused further consternation during the daily task - a mock fashion show - by parading around the resort in high heels and a dress. "It wasn't so much what he was wearing, more the fact that they all smelt really musty," commented hairdresser Waylon Nethers, who once trimmed singer Craig David's goatee. "Then we found out that they were his late mother's clothes - apparently he's never thrown any of them away! This guy is really creeping me out" Later that day the one time Top of The Pops presenter 'accidentally' exposed himself to several of his fellow contestants when his speedos fell off as he climbed out of the pool. "There was no way that wasn't planned," complained an outraged Kate Dribble, who lives around the corner from some bloke who presents a property programme on daytime TV. "He even said 'Hows about that, then, boys anb girls?', as he got out of the water, his wrinkled old cock waving at us all!" Despite such incidents, Love Island producers insist that there are no plans to remove Saville from the island, although they acknowledge that the sight of a pensioner with shoulder-length bleached blonde hair attempting to seduce girls young enough to be his greatgrandchildren might appear a little perverse. "We're hoping to remedy this impression by introducing some female celebrities more of his generation," said an ITV executive. "We've got octogenarian sex-goddess Dame Thora Hird lined up - just as soon as we've got that stair lift safely installed on the island..."