All-American Christmas

So, do Trump's tariffs apply to the stuff Santa Claus has manufactured at the North Pole and exports to the US every Christmas?  Because you can guarantee that he's deliberately undercutting US toy manufacturers by employing cheap immigrant labour - I mean, those elves aren't indigenous to the North Pole, Santa brings them in illegally from the Third World via his sleigh.  That's the thing: there's really no such thing as elves, they are all just poor bastards from places like Somalia, forced to wear fake pointed ears and the like and work in Santa's workshop all year around.  In fact, I wouldn't be at all surprised if Santa was running a 'people smuggling' racket on the side, every Christmas bringing illegals who have paid him thousands of dollars, into the US hidden on his sleigh.  Probably wrapped in paper, disguised as presents.  Doubtless, that's why, over the past few years, increasing numbers of American kids are waking up on Christmas morning to find some dodgy-looking Mexican, Haitian or Somalian in their stockings.  It's an outrage - Santa's endangering US kids.  Is the year that Trump finally sics ICE onto Santa when he enters the US?  Mind you, Trump being Trump, it is just as likely that he demands Santa buys one of those 'Gold Card' visas in order to continue operating within the US.  Or maybe he could demand that Santa move his toy-making operations to the US, in order to avoid tariffs legally, rather than by smuggling them in via sleigh every year.  Instead of poorly paid illegal immigrants, he'd be able to employ poorly paid US workers.

But if Trump was to ban Santa from the US, who or what would he replace him with?  Presumably an all-American patriotic substitute.  A benevolent old man called 'Uncle Donald Christmas', perhaps?  The Christmas icon guaranteed to forget whatever it was you put on your Christmas list and instead stuff your stocking full of tacky, overpriced, Trump memorabilia.  Probably made in China.  But hey, this would be a Christmas icon who embraced true American values - his 'naughty and nice' lists would be based around observance of things like whether or not you voted for Trump, or if you had posted things critical of him on social media.  Venturing dissenting opinions - like the fact that Charlie Kirk was a creepy racist with a disturbing fixation on young people, for instance - would ensure, not just being put on the 'naughty list' but also a one way trip to a secret Federal prison without trial and due process.  All of which, no doubt, would be used to justify the imposition of a 'surveillance state' upon the US, with phone calls, e-mails and social media constantly monitored so as to update citizens' status as either 'naughty' or 'nice'.  The actual process of ordering presents would be outsourced to some tech giant - whichever one had made the most generous contribution to 'Santa Donald's' seasonal fund - with everything done online via a 'Christmas Portal'.  Payments via credit card, debit card or PayPal only accepted.  Because let's face it, isn't that the missing piece of Christmas that has ruined it for many over the years: rampant capitalism?  Sod all that 'Goodwill to all men' crap - the Democrats, the poor and immigrants can go screw.  Christmas should exclusively be for those who can afford it.