Pigeons From Moscow

Flocks of cyber-pigeons.  That, apparently, is the rumoured new Russian super weapon.  According to a report I heard on the radio this afternoon.  A report, as ever, to be treated with caution as it originates with a Russian tech firm.  But, for what it is worth, the Russians are allegedly putting brain implants into pigeons, so that their movements can be controlled.  The idea being that, as they are pigeons, nobody will pay any attention to them until they explode, fly into aircraft jet intakes to cause crashes, or just crap en masse all over our cars.  It all sounds more than a little fanciful, the sort of bollocks the Russians tend to come up with every so often to see what they can get the west to swallow.  Yet it has just enough of a sliver of credibility - the Russians are known to have previously experimented with using animals in war, such as spy dolphins, for instance - that it is precisely the sort of thing that both some politicians and  some in our intelligence services might grasp at and start running with, despite a lack of any hard evidence to back it up.  Thus, precious resources will be wasted on trying to gather intelligence of these 'pigeons of death' and devising counter measures to protect against them.  Indeed, don't be surprised if, sometime in the near future, we see mass culls of pigeons in the UK with little or no official explanation.  It will mean that some crank in the intelligence services will have succeeded in spooking a government minister or two.

If nothing else, this story is somewhat insulting toward pigeons and birds in general, presuming that they are easily controlled by external forces due to their lack of intelligence.  In my experience, (particularly my recent experiences with the local swan population), birds are anything but stupid, being remarkably observant and capable of some impressive feats of reasoning.  (One of the young swans I regularly feed, who I've known since he was a bundle of grey feathers following his parents around the pond, not only seems to recognise me as an individual, but has correctly assessed me as a soft touch who will indulge his antics, has lately taken to going through my jacket pockets if I don't give him my full attention and instead feed other birds - he's observed that when I arrive at the pond, I carry the bag of seed in an outside jacket pocket, so now insists on checking whether I'm holding out by having a second secret stash hidden in my pockets).  Besides, do we really think that Russian technology is up to producing a brain implant that can influence the behaviour of even birds?  I've seen that recent video clip of the unveiling of Russia's latest humanoid robot, which staggers around and falls over like the average Geordie after two pints, (if only they could make it throw up as well, then the resemblance would be uncanny).  But hey, if nothing else, this story opens up another front for the World War Three doomsayers of the UK tabloid press - doubtless they'll soon be running headlines about the risks posed by Russian robo-birds, warning of dive bombing killer gulls, expploding Christmas turkeys and the like.  Accompanied by unhinged calls for the government to allow people to booby trap their bird feeders, so as to slaughter the little feathered bastards by the dozen as a precautionary measure.