North and South: The Eternal Struggle

You know what gets my goat?  Bloody northerners whingeing on about how awful the south of England and all us southerners are.  Now, if they want to do that 'Oop North' in their insular little communities, then fine.  I couldn't give a toss.  It's when they are living down here, in our glorious south and do it that I start seeing red.  Quite apart from the sheer rudeness of it - I mean, how would they like it if those unfortunate southerners forced to live in the north spent all their time whining about how shit it is up there with those bloody stupid accents, weak as piss beer and all that exaggerated macho posturing about how 'hard' they all are - it is something that is easily remedied.  If you hate it down here so much then why don't you just fuck off back home to your beloved north?  The complaint that really sticks in my throat is that we in the south are just so unfriendly - we don't butt into other people's conversations or offer loud opinions uninvited and don't feel obliged to engage in conversation with complete strangers for no good reason.  No, we're not unfriendly, we just know how to mind our own fucking business.  We respect boundaries and the privacy of others.  Like I said, fuck of back to where you came from if you hate is so much.  We won't miss your bloody whingeing and the giant-sized chips you carry around on your shoulders.  You know something?  If Reform UK campaigned on a policy of repatriating northerners to the likes Lancashire, Yorkshire and Merseyside, I might just vote for them.  But no, they persist in victimising immigrants from overseas - personally, I prefer them to the bloody northerners: they don't complain as much and don't try to start idiotic conversations with you.

Scousers are the absolute worst - banging on about how shit the south is, how Liverpool is the burning centre of the universe, all in that horrible whiny accent of theirs.   They epitomise the northern delusion: that they are somehow a bastion of working class purity, oppressed by us wealthy Tory-voting bastards in the south.  Well, I've got news for them - we have the working class here in the south (I should know, I was born into it), along with poverty, poor housing and failing public services.  Oh, not to forget, I've never voted Tory.  In fact, when it comes to voting Tory, let's not forget those poor downtrodden scouse workers have elected some of the most objectionable Tory MPS, such as Edwina Curry and Esther McVey.  As for being downtrodden and deprived, if that's the case, why is it that whenever I turn on the radio or the TV, I get bombarded with northern accents?  Hearing anything like my own Wiltshire accent is a real rarity.  Plus, every TV show seems to have to be produced in a northern city (in order to stop them whingeing).  The number of TV dramas set in my part of the world are pretty scarce, (even Casualty, set in a fictionalised Bristol is now actually filmed in Wales).  If anyone is being culturally deprived, it is us in the south and south west, who find ourselves being force fed a diet of northern bollocks - all pushing the northern propaganda line of 'north good, south bad'.  I'm not saying that I hate 'the north' - I've visited some great places there, enjoyed some great scenery - it's just this constant anti-southern whining and those  who perpetrate it that I hate.  It is especially galling when the north is already so over-represented in media terms, but they never seem satisfied and probably won't be until every mention of the south in the media is expunged.