Local Evil

Why do I never get asked to join one of those suburban covens that horror movies tell us lurk in every town?  Or how about those Satanic rites that are meant to be going on in the local park?   According to those movies there are human sacrifices taking place and evil spells being cast left, right and centre in suburbia, but I've never seen any sign of it here in Crapchester.  There was a time when I suspected that old biddy who used to live down the terrace from me of running a coven under the guise of the local 'Spanish Circle', but nothing was ever proven.  She did die a sad and bizarre death, though - she had a fall while working on her allotment, couldn't get up and froze to death overnight.  Like I said, very sad, but I couldn't help but suspect that the victims of her coven might have been buried on that 'allotment' and she fell prey to their vengeful spirits.  Possibly raised by a rival coven.  Or maybe even the local Satanists.  I've seen nothing of the latter, either.  No desecrated churches, no naked loonies dancing around the bandstand in the park on full moons.  To be honest, though, I'm quite glad that I haven't witnessed any of those naked rites by either witches or Satanists.  The idea of that old biddy and her cronies prancing around in the buff chills my blood.

Anyway, to get back to the point, assuming that those horror movies haven't lied to me - why haven't I ever been invited to join any of these things?  I'm pretty disreputable, after all.  Frequently in conflict with the establishment, flaunt convention and have little regard for established religions.  You'd think that there would be a whole queue of covens, Satanists and the like knocking on my door and extending invitations.  But apparently not.  Maybe I'm just too boring to be considered for membership - my idea of excitement these days is a walk around the local park and maybe a visit to the duck pond, (all in broad daylight, obviously).  Perhaps my disregard for religion is a stumbling block - to me they all seem fucking crazy, whether they worship Jesus, Allah, Satan or fly around on broomsticks.  Then again, it could be that those films have lied to me and those otherwise respectable seeming citizens of this town aren't secretly Satanic high priests or practicing witches and warlocks.  The local greengrocer is just a greengrocer and doesn't have an idol of some heathen god in his backroom and doesn't use his fruits and vegetables in strange naked rituals in the park.  That miserable bloke who runs the bookies doesn't don a stag-antlered head dress by night and perform human sacrifices in his back garden.  He's just some miserable bloke. The bowls club don't engage in wild naked orgies on their green under each full moon - they just play bowls.  Sadly, the closest thing to an evil cult we have around here is the local branch of Reform UK.  Which is a pity as I could do with a  bit more excitement in my life.