Crimes Against Hair

I see that those whingeing right-wing cry babies at The Sun are now bellowing away about how despite '2,000 Cops Axed, Station Hours Cut to 9-5', a bad haircut is now being reported by police as a 'hate crime'.  As if that's somehow unreasonable.  OK, I'll concede that maybe, just maybe, a bad haircut might not constitute a hate crime, but it is definitely a crime.  I should know - I've been on the receiving end several times, when barbers have completely ignored my instructions and just gone ahead and administered their 'standard' (ie, the only one they know) cut.  Consequently, I hate barbers with a vengeance.  To the extent that I haven't been to one in a couple of decades, having taught myself to cut my own hair evenly, (or mostly evenly).  No, really, so traumatic have my experiences been with these bastards, that a shiver runs down my spine every time I walk past a barber's shop.  Which is becoming a bit problematic as every other shop in Crapchester now seems to be a barber's shop.  To be precise, a Turkish barber's shop.  Which just makes it worse.  Call me bigoted if you like, but if the prospect of having my hair hacked by a regular barber makes me shudder, then the idea of having some hugely moustachioed Turk wearing shoes that curl up at the toes puts me into a full on panic.  Some of us haven't forgotten Gallipoli and that entire regiment that got buggered to death.  

But yeah, this explosion of Turkish barber shops in Crapchester - how can the local economy support so many?  There simply isn't enough hair in this town to keep them all in business.  Indeed, you rarely ever see a customer sat in any of their chairs when you walk past.  Yet they keep proliferating - every time a shop premises falls vacant, we all live in fear that it will be filled by another bloody Turkish barber.  How do they keep going with so much competition and no customers?  Money laundering seems to be the most popular explanation.  Could it be that all the money from the drugs sold out of the back of this town's hordes of kebab vans is being funneled through these places, with actual paying customers simply an added bonus?  Who knows.  Certainly not Crapchester police, that's for sure, as they seem to be among the 2,000 cops The Sun complains have been axed.  We don't even have a police station here any more - the previous one was closed and condemned after asbestos was found there, retirement flats now sit on its former site.  Oh, and while we're on the subject of those police cuts,lets not forget they were carried out during those fourteen years of Tory governments that The Sun supported and urged its readers to vote for...