The Horrible Sexy Vampire (1971)

The English language title The Horrible Sexy Vampire (1971) rather implies that this film is going to be some sort of horror themed sex comedy.  Sadly, the reality is that it is actually a pretty conventional Spanish vampire movie completely lacking in humour and - in the version I saw - sadly short on sexiness.  While there was, supposedly, a raunchier version of the film prepared for export, featuring more nudity, the version most commonly available appears to be the original Spanish cut with an English soundtrack.  This consistently cuts away from any nudity, instead offering only some flashes of side boob every time anyone either undresses or is undressed by the titular vampire.  That, along with a distinct lack of gore and a pedestrian plot, results in a very tame viewing experience.  It isn't as if the film doesn't start promisingly enough, with a couple booking into a motel, finding themselves attacked and killed by an invisible presence.  But it immediately gets bogged down in a pretty tedious police investigation, which relentlessly continues throughout the film, even after the original police investigator and coroner are killed while investigating the long unoccupied castle of an historical figure long rumoured to have been a vampire.

Things look like they might be picking up when a distant descendant of the allegedly vampiric count turns up from London in the wake of the publicity of the murders, to take up residence in the castle and make his own investigation.  Unfortunately, the new detective on the case has the new count put under surveillance and launches his own tedious investigation, while the murders continue.  In the film's only real twist, it turns out that the new count and the old vampire aren't one and the same, although they are both played by the magnificently named Waldemar Wolfahrt.  (Actually, this was the actor's real name, but casting director's clearly felt that it sounded completely made up, so in most of his subsequent film appearances he was billed as 'Wal Davis').  The real vampire count, it turns out, is cursed to rise from his tomb at intervals of twenty eight years to ravage the local population (particularly young girls about to have sex or get in the bath or shower) - only his own descendants are immune from his deprivations and can put him to rest.  So, while the new count is safe, his fiance who turns up unexpectedly at the castle isn't and ends up menaced by his ancestor.  

Horrible Sexy Vampire (El Vampira de la Autopista to give it the original Spanish title) is, unfortunately, a ploddingly directed film, with director Jose Luis Madrid never managing to spark it into life.  The pace never rises above walking pace while the snowy Stuttgart locations, while novel and interesting-looking, are never really used to their full potential.  Despite the vampire being able to turn invisible in order to stalk his victims, these scenes never generate and tension or suspense, (also, the vampire seems to favour strangling his victims rather than biting them for some reason).  The script (in English, at least) is quite terrible, not just full of clunky dialogue, but also including far too many talky scenes of exposition: not only does the coroner spend an age explaining the history of the castle and original count to the first police inspector, but the new count also spends what feels like an age explaining his entire family tree and relationship to the original count to the second inspector n excruciating detail. (It all has something to do with his being the Polish branch of the family, making them black sheep.  Or something).  All of which means that the plot has no chance whatsoever of taking flight.  The performances of the cast, not surprisingly, never rise above the cliched.  About the only part of the film which is vaguely amusing is the lascivious leer that the vampire gives to camera as he removes the underwear of one female victim.  If only the rest of the film had taken a similar approach to the subject matter then it might have lived up to that English language title...