Blackmail by Idiots

When you've been arsing about online as long as I have, you encounter a lot of phishing spam, scans and hacking attempts.  They go in and out of fashion - as they become well known, they become less effective and tend to fade away - been contacted by any Nigerian princes lately?  Every so often, I find myself surprised when one of the old ones suddenly reappears, apparently rediscovered by some sad little guy in a bedsit who doesn't seem to realise that those of us on the receiving end have seen it and ignored it a thousand times before.  Following the great Yahoo hack some years ago, when most of their e-mail users had their accounts and passwords exposed to hackers, who sold the details on to the bedsit boys, my Yahoo Mail account was plagued first by phishing e-mails, none of which succeeded, then a spate of those fake blackmail letters, where some saddo claims to have hacked your computer via the e-mail hack and have copies of all your porn photos, which they'll release to your contacts if you don't pay them.  All of which were also ignored.  Realising that the e-mail password ploy had played out, they changed tack to claim that they had taken control of your camera and had filmed you whacking off to online porn videos and if you didn't pay them then - well, you get the picture.  All utter bollocks, of course, but they kept on coming.  Then stopped.  For several years.  Then, recently, I've had two in quick succession.  This is the most recent one, sent to my old Yahoo Mail account:

"You're running out of time, and fast.

It's important you pay attention to this message right now. Take a minute to relax, breathe, and really dig into it. 'Cause we're about to discuss a deal between you and me, and I ain't playing games. You don't know me however I know you very well and right now, you are thinking how, right?

Well, you've been treading on thin ice with your browsing habits, scrolling through those videos and clicking on links, stumbling upon some not-so-safe sites. I placed a Malware on a porn website and you visited it to watch(know what I mean?). When you were busy watching videos, your system initiated operating as a RDP (Remote Protocol) which provided me total control over your device. I can peep at everything on your screen, flick on your camera and mic, and you wouldn't even notice. Oh, and I've got access to all your emails, contacts, and social media accounts too.

Been keeping tabs on your pathetic life for a while now. It is simply your misfortune that I came across your bad deeds. I invested in more days than I probably should have investigating into your data. Extracted quite a bit of juicy info from your system. and I've seen it all. Yeah, Yeah, I've got footage of you doing filthy things in your house (nice setup, by the way). I then developed videos and screenshots where on one side of the screen, there's the videos you were playing, and on the other half, it is you jerking off. With just a click, I can send this garbage to every single of your contacts.

Your confusion is clear, but don't expect sympathy. Frankly, I am willing to wipe the slate clean, and allow you to move on with your daily life and forget you ever existed. I will offer you two alternatives.

Option One is to turn a blind eye to this e mail. Let us see what is going to happen if you opt this option. I will send your video to all of your contacts. The video was straight fire, and I can't even fathom the embarrasement you'll endure when your colleagues, friends, and fam check it out. But hey, that's life, ain't it? Don't be playing the victim here.

Option 2 is to pay me, and be confidential about it. We will name it my "privacy tip". Now Lets discuss what happens if you pick this option. Your dirty secret remains your secret. I will wipe everything clean once you send payment. You have to make the payment through Bitcoins only. I want you to know I'm aiming for a win-win here. My promises are non-negotiable.

Transfer Amount: USD 1500

My BTC Address (without spaces): 1L3Nd5u G7ZVxXkd3S vivjZk4cr VPAKNqQA

Once you pay up, you'll sleep like a baby. I keep my word.

Important: You now have one day to make the payment and I will only accept Bitcoins (I've a unique pixel in this message, and now I know that you have read this e mail). My system will catch that Bitcoin payment and wipe out all the dirt I got on you. Don't even think about replying to this or negotiating, it's pointless. The email and wallet are custom-made for you, untraceable. If I notice that you've shared or discussed this mail with someone else, the video will instantly start getting sent to your contacts. And don't even think about turning off your phone or resetting it to factory settings. It's pointless. I don't make mistakes.

Honestly, those online tips about covering your camera aren't as useless as they seem. I am waiting for my payment.."

First up, learn to spell properly or employ a spell checker, buddy. It's a bad look to be demanding money for menaces if you come over as illiterate. Secondly, don't come over so smug - it just ensures that, in the extremely remote possibility that we ever meet physically, I'll knock your teeth out. Thirdly, even if I was inclined to pay you, it's no good trying to get me to do it via bitcoin - I'm too old to understand or have any truck with your online play money. Plus, why do you go on about my phone? Nobody watches porn on a phone - the screen resolution isn't good enough, makes the nipples all blocky. Your fake chuminess doesn't help, either, because it is patently obvious that you don't know me well. If you did and really had been spying on me for some time then you'd know that your security 'tip' about covering up the camera is redundant: I did that years ago, probably before you could eat solid food. So I'd love to see that video you supposedly have, (funny how you don't offer any screen caps as proof of its existence). Go ahead and send it to all my Yahoo contacts - some of those addresses might still be active. Several I know are dead. Quite literally dead, as a door nail, in fact. Oh, about your threat about not sharing your pathetic blackmail attempt with anyone, I think it clear what I think of that.

Which is the response that anybody receiving this sort of thing should give to the sad little boys who send them. Expose them, ridicule them, make their pathetic emails public, show them that you know their threats are bullshit. But sadly, many people still fall for this bollocks, which is why I feel it necessary to go through this rigamarole again, (I did something similar here some years ago), in the hope that anybody reading this who has received something similar won't fall for it. I also hope the little boy who sent this particular effort sees this post, (unlikely, I know, but there's a chance they're vain enough to search the web for responses to their handiwork), and realises that this sort of shit is just too old to fool anyone. It's been done to death. For God's sake, try coming up with something more original!