Creature From the Brown Lagoon?

It's like the scenario for one of those fifties horror films, isn't it?  You know the sort of movie I mean, the ones where some unscrupulous capitalist factory owner is dumping dangerous chemicals into the swamp, or some unscrupulous military top brass are secretly dumping radioactive waste materials into the sea.  The end result is always the same: horrible mutated monsters come lumbering out of the contaminated water and start murdering people, (for budgetary reasons, it was often a single horribly mutated monster doing all the killing).  In then end some brave environmentalist or crazy old scientist working in a shack finally find a way of defeating the menace, even though everyone had initially ridiculed them.  Well, that's what this new government legislation that allows water companies to dump unlimited amounts of raw effluent, (that's shit to you and me) into rivers and the sea reminds me of.  At least in those movies they only had to deal with mutated jelly fish men (he looked like a dude with an inflated plastic bag over his head), or even bipedal octopuses chasing semi-clad young women around.  What we could end up with are horrible shit monsters oozing their way out of our rivers and squelching after us.  Can you imagine the horror of being chased by a huge bipedal turd?

It makes you think though, doesn't it?  I mean, what's the point of having a toilet in your house?  Just go and take a dump in the nearest river, pond or swimming pool - it surely can't be illegal if the water companies can do it.  Just think of the savings you'd make on your water bills if you didn't have to keep flushing.  Still, we might be able to glean some interesting statistics from all this raw sewage being discharged into rivers.  For instance, we could use it as a measure to see if Brexit voters really are as full of shit as we think they are by measuring how much raw crap goes into the rivers in predominantly pro-leave voting areas and see if it is greater than in remain voting areas.  Anyway, to get back to the potential shit monster threat - what can we do to defend ourselves in the event that they start crawling out of the rivers and chasing people up beaches?  Could rolling huge toilet rolls at them be the best defence?  Will we see squads of soldiers armed with giant toilet brushes being deployed on Britain's streets?  Maybe it could be as simple as using high pressure sprays to wash them away.  Although that could be fraught with peril, as the water used against them could itself be contaminated and cause further mutations.  Which really doesn't bear thinking about.