Football Madness

Jesus fuck!  I've just seen Uri bloody Gellar on live TV spouting some bollocks about how he was once employed to use his 'psychic' powers to help England beat Scotland in a football match.  But now, to even things up, he's vowing to help Scotland beat England at the euros next Friday.  He was followed by a 'psychic' pig predicting the outcome of the same match, (an England win, if you are interested).  This is one of the things I hate about international football tournament - the endless parade of charlatans and animals supposedly gifted with second sight predicting the outcomes of matches.  It happens every time.  Remember Paul the Octopus?  Please can we stop giving these cranks air time?  Really, we're supposed to be living in an age of reason, yet keep expecting invertebrates to predict football scores and some stage magician whose best trick is bending a spoon  to decide their outcomes.  Mind you, I'm left wondering where those idiots who put up YouTube videos pretending that they are from the future are in all this.  I mean, surely they should be busy telling us the scores of every match in advance, or maybe even posting video clips of said matches before they have been played.  After all, that, surely, would be pretty good proof that they really are from the future.  But they won't, because they aren't.

But getting back to Uri Gellar - they really shouldn't encourage this guy in his seriously deluded (not to mention profitable) beliefs.  Well, I say 'beliefs', but it seems clear to me that he's just some shyster.  But, like I say, there's money in peddling this sort of crazy bullshit.  Just look at David Icke, who has gone from the reserve goal keeper at Scunthorpe, through a stint as the sports correspondent on my local BBC TV news programme, to being some kind of crackpot Messiah with a string of best-selling books to his name.  All through the (quite brilliant) expedient of reinventing the conspiracy theory - by replacing Jews with shape-shifting lizards as the villains - so that it could be enjoyed by everybody.  Really, I'm serious, it was an act of genius to snatch the conspiracy theory away from the anti-Semites so as to broaden its potential fan base.  Clearly, this is what I should be doing - reinventing myself as a 'psychic; coming up with some whacked out conspiracy theory or maybe just following L Ron Hubbard's example and inventing a religion.  The trouble is though that the field has become so much more crowded since Icke invented his lizards, Uri bent his cutlery and Ron came up with Scientology.  Plus, I'm lazy.