Wrong Turnings

People often talk about how their lives have reached a 'crossroads' and they are left with a decision as to which route to take.  Carry straight on as before, or turn left or right, onto lesser known roads and uncertain routes?  Well, I often feel like my life is constantly at a crossroads, or maybe even a roundabout, with all manner of possible paths being offered, but I'm seemingly incapable of making a decision as to which exit to take, so usually just carry straight on.  And inevitably find myself enduring another crisis of confidence as that road proves bumpy and another junction looms up almost immediately.  I thought that by effectively closing off that 'straight ahead' route by parting company with my hated job, making a choice with regard to a change of direction would be easier.  If anything, it has become more difficult.  The problem is that. much as I enjoy not having to endure the pure Hell that my working life had become, (my physical and mental health have improved immeasurably), I find myself effectively rudderless and unmotivated.  It is scary the part that work routines play in our lives, defining our activity, sleeping patterns, socialising and so much more.  But right now, I can pretty much do what I like, when I like, but generally end up doing very little because, well, time is no longer a precious commodity: there's always tomorrow.

Of course, another disincentive to actively seek a new direction is that, right now and for the foreseeable future, I'm not under any financial pressure.  I spent those years of working the job from Hell to set myself up very securely in financial terms.  It isn't that I don't want to do anything else work wise - I've still got a long way to go before I can collect my pension, for one thing, I just still don't feel sure as to what it is I want to do.  Ideally, I don't want to work full-time again - just two or three days a week would be sufficient.  I thought that teaching was the route, but now I'm not too sure.  I've had plenty of agencies contact me with promises of possible work from September, but it is mainly in the Secondary School sector, which I'm not really qualified for (my teaching qualifications are for the post compulsory sector) and wouldn't necessarily be my first choice.  Promises of supply-teaching work from one agency have failed to materialise.  I'm beginning to look into the whole 'life long learning' sector (what we used to call 'Adult Education') which seems to present some interesting opportunities.  Another possibility would be just to find something casual and undemanding to do two or three days a week: years ago, between proper jobs, I spent a few weeks delivering and picking up rental cars for the local Hertz office, it helped keep my work discipline and routines, it was relatively stimulating (I met different people and went to different places) and it paid.  

So, clearly I have to start getting off my arse and doing stuff, rather than procrastinating about it.  Even if it isn't actual paid work, I really do need to start doing something creative again, (not just posting here and The Sleaze), even if it is just getting back to the model railway.  Then there's the work around the house I keep putting off.  Or, I could finally get to grips with some of those bloody solo wargames that have previously defeated me.  If it would just stop raining, I could get out of the house and take some walks - which, if nothing else, might clear my mind and focus my attention more on how I'm going to move forward.  As ever, we'll see.