The Great British Porn Challenge

Because I'm interested in model railways, people keep assuming that I'm also interested in that Channel Five programme, The Great Model Railway Challenge and always seem disappointed when I tell them that I've never watched it.  I've given up trying to explain that it actually isn't really aimed at people like me, but rather at people like them, who don't know anything about the hobby and seem constantly amazed as to the skill levels it requires and wide range of activities involved.  It isn't just about playing with trains, (although, for me, that's the most entertaining bit).  The truth is that I'm not really that much interested in watching other people building model railway layouts - I'd rather be playing with my own.  I don't even go to many model railway exhibitions.  Partly because the same layouts turn up over and over again, but also because exhibition standard layouts don't really represent the average layout - they set a standard that most of us can never hope to achieve.  Personally, I prefer things like the Alresford Toy Train Fair, where the emphasis is on running vintage trains, especially the old Triang, Dublo, Trix and Playcraft stuff I like.  The TV show is clearly modelled on the Great British Bake Off, another show whose appeal eludes me - while I enjoy eating cakes, I find no entertainment in watching people make them.

But this sort of thing seems to be popular among TV programme makers now: shows about people making stuff competitively.  If it isn't baking or model railways, then it is gardens or clothes.  So, why not that other great British tradition, the adult movie?  Wouldn't that make a great programme, pitting teams of film makers against each other to make porn movies?  Softcore, obviously.  Every week they could have a new challenge to produce a  half hour adult film in a different genre - sex comedy, Gothic horror porno, period smut.  You get the idea.  The big gimmick could be that they have to start from scratch each week, using only the resources at hand - no studios or professional performers.  Instead, they'd have to find grotty flats and suburban houses to shoot in and try and persuade people off of the street to perform for them.  You could even deny them the use of things like cameras, forcing them to shoot it all on their mobile phones, with lighting rigs improvised from desk lamps and the like. I'm sure that The Great British Porn Challenge could be a huge late night hit.  Damn it, if Channel Four can get away with something like Naked Attraction, which thrusts cocks and vaginas in your face virtually from the outset every week, then I'm sure that the Porn Challenge could get commissioned.