Friday, June 01, 2018


I'm just coming to the end of a week off of work, taken mainly because I still had leave that I had to use or lose.  Normally, I would have managed to get all sorts of things done, objectives achieved and all that.  Yet, instead, I've been indecisive as what to do all week, achieving very little.  I kept feeling that I should be doing something, but could never agree with myself as to what, exactly.  Consequently, I found myself at an impasse with myself, ending up doing nothing much.  All of which is consistent with my life in general at the moment: I seem to be incapable of making any kind of meaningful decisions on my future at present, prevaricating and procrastinating myself to a standstill.  All I do is convince myself to postpone making any decisions to some later date. It's all very frustrating - I know that I want and need a change in my life: I really am in a rut, doing the same things, watching the same things, even visiting the same websites over and over again.  Of course, at the heart of it all is work.  I'm still in the same old job, which I'm increasingly uncomfortable with, worse still, it has become crystal clear just how repetitive and boring it is - the only challenge left is somehow finding the motivation to get out of bed every working day.

It's clear that if I'm tired of the job, then it is equally tired of me.  I'm being ignored by my management (to the extent that another manager has questioned whether they are adequately discharging their duty of care toward me with regard to my health) and it seems obvious that they just don't know how to handle my situation or what to do with me.  I think that they are hoping that I'll just go away.  Which I might - it's just that I can't make a decision on that, even.  I keep prevaricating over trying to use my PGCE and try to get Qualified Teacher Status (QTS) to pursue a new career in education.  I had a spurt of activity regarding this, then ran out of steam.  The trouble is that there is a part of me which questions whether that is really what I want to do.  Unfortunately, though, I can't decide what it is I'd rather do.  All I know is that, right now, I'm working purely for financial reasons, but I also know that the situation can't continue for much longer.  But before I can move on, I have to break this impasse and just do something, anything, which lifts me out of this rut I find myself in.



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