Monday, October 19, 2015

Feeling Down

I've tried eating a bar of chocolate, but I still feel miserable. Perhaps it isn't really misery I'm feeling.  Maybe it is just melancholia.  It would certainly be more in keeping with the season.  Whatever it is that I'm feeling, the usual first line of defence (the sugar rush from the chocolate) clearly isn't working.  What I fear is the possibility of a slide into depression.  All the signs are there: the feeling of misery/melancholia without there being any obvious cause, the sudden bouts of self doubt and insecurity, the vague feeling of impending doom and waking up feeling as if I want to cry.  Worst of all is the torpor - nothing seems worth expending energy on, nothing ignites any enthusiasm.  Of course, the ability to recognise these symptoms and analyse them really doesn't help alleviate them.  I've been here before and I'm keenly aware that if I can't find some way to pull myself out of this state, then I face the possibility of a dehabilitating bout of depression. I've been lucky for over a decade now, in that I've been able to head off these depressive episodes before they become entrenched.  I don't feel as confident about this time, though.

The long and the short of all this is that I really don't feel like posting here at all.  I've already alluded to the fact that my heart hasn't been in my blogging in an earlier post, and explored some of the possible reasons for this.  Whilst I'd like to blame it all on my current slow engulfment by depression, the truth is that it predates that.  The fact is that, back in the day, it all used to come so easily - I was brimming with ideas for posts, not a day went past when I didn't have at least three or four possible post ideas.  Days lacking in inspiration were the exception rather than the rule.  But now I struggle.  Most days I just can't think of anything happening in my life remotely interesting enough to write about.  To be honest, the only things I've got any real pleasure out of writing about in recent months have been the exploitation movie stuff.   So, I suspect that this is going to become less of a personal blog, less an editorial extension of The Sleaze and more of a pop culture blog.  Which, I know, will disappoint some of my regular reader(s), who prefer the more personal stuff.  But the fact is that their views are becoming less and less regular and it is the pop culture stuff which is generating the traffic.



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