Thursday, August 20, 2015

Life's Reject Pile?

The only problem with being on holiday is that, during all those long walks across moors, through forests and along beaches, I have lots of time to think.  To be more accurate, I have lots of time to brood on things.  It's a bad habit I have - every time unexpected things crop up, I start brooding over how they will impact my life (I inevitably convince myself that it will be negatively) and what they might signify, (in reality, nothing at all, but when I'm in one of these moods everything seems to be a portent of doom).  This week, there's been no single occurrence which has set me off, but a series of relatively minor things got me feeling that my life has been a failure in so many areas.  Time and again, it seems, various efforts and enterprises just seem to reach a dead end and wind up in life's reject pile.  This applies equally to both my work and my private life.  Worst of all, I fear that I'm too old to change and put myself onto a more rewarding path. Or so I've been telling myself during those walks.

And yet, the reality is that it isn't all doom and gloom.  Despite my propensity for beating myself up over my failures, the fact is that in some areas I seem to be making positive progress.  For instance, my old podcast series 'The Sleazecast' is now being run over at the Overnightscape Underground - to positive feedback.  Moreover, I've just started putting together a new series of podcasts for them: after many delays, I've nearly completed the first episode of 'Schlock Express'.  Plus, I'm in the early stages of working on a new edition of 'The Sleazecast'.  In the real world, I'm within touching distance of paying off my mortgage and I'm already looking into reducing my work commitments.  Most significantly, over the past week or so, I've been making a concerted effort to reconnect with an old and valued friend.  I've been hugely remiss in failing to keep in touch with them outside of exchanging festive and birthday greetings.  As I grow older I'm learning to value genuine friendships more.  I don't have many close friends and this particular individual is one of the few people I've ever felt a real connection with, whose company never bores or irritates me and who I trust implicitly.  Thankfully, my efforts have been reciprocated, although their life has changed radically since I last had a proper conversation with them, (this was one of the things that fuelled my brooding - it left me feeling that everyone else's lives were moving on whilst mine remained stalled), I'm hopeful that we can re-establish our friendship properly.  From a purely selfish perspective, I badly need to feel that I've got someone trustworthy in  my corner again.

So, despite all the brooding and negativity going through my mind, I think that I've managed to convince myself that there are still plenty of positive things going on in my life.



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