Thursday, April 30, 2015

Letting Rip?

David Cameron is apparently planning to 'let rip' in the last week of the general election campaign.  Which sounds as if he's going to fart.  Loudly.  Which would certainly be more interesting than anything else that he's said or done during his lacklustre campaign.   Even the political pundits are grasping at straws in a desperate attempt to make the election seem exciting.  Today I heard the BBC's James 'I'm not a Tory really' Lansdale on the radio, trying to convince us that those apparently static polls could be misleading - yet another poll indicates that up to forty per cent of voters are still undecided, which could tip the balance in favour of either of the main parties (but preferably the Tories, you couldn't help but feel he wanted to add).  Except that the majority of those undecideds will probably end up not voting at all, if past precedence is anything to go by.  Quite how anyone can still be undecided as how to cast their vote by now is beyond me.  OK, I know that the official opposition isn't exactly inspiring, but at least they aren't the Tory bastards who have been destroying our public services for the past five years.

Still, perhaps Cameron's fart will help them decide.  Maybe he'll turn out to be a latter day Le Petomane, able to perform anal impressions.  The Tories' pre-election rally could climax with him dropping his trousers and treating the assembled hordes to methane powered impersonations of Miliband, Clegg and Farage, before finishing up by farting out 'God Save the Queen'.  Of course, it would be far more entertaining if, during his finale, he was to 'follow through' and shower his audience of true blue believers with shit.  But maybe when Cameron says that he is going to 'let rip', he means that he is planning to deploy his fart as a weapon.  On election night, if a constituency count isn't going well for the Tories, perhaps he's going to sneak into the count, lift up one leg and let rip a fart so humungous it blows away all the ballot papers, forcing a re-run of the election.  Then again, maybe he's just going to sneak into the other leaders' press conferences next week and fart so noxiously that they're rendered incapable.  Sadly though, I doubt very much that he'll do anything that exciting.  Besides, toffs like him don't fart, do they?  That's just for common people.  Rich bastards like Cameron have someone to do it for them.



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