Doing It Myself

I'm going to see if I can exceed last weekend's excitement quotient (when I bought a new kettle) by doing some DIY this weekend.  Principally, I'm looking to repair my bed, which broke a while ago.  I wish I could say that it broke because I was in the throes of passion and this was just too much for the old bed.  However, I've never found a masturbation technique that energetic.  Although I suppose if you employed some kind of mechanical device, it might create sufficient vibration to damage a bed.  Actually, to digress somewhat (quite unlike me, I know) but have I ever mentioned that I once designed a hand-held masturbation device (for men, obviously)?   It never made it off the drawing board, but would have been electrically operated and used parts, including the motor, from an old Hornby model railway locomotive.  I hasten to add that I designed it when I was in my teens and devising new masturbatory techniques weighed heavily on my mind.  I seem to recall that I'd been inspired by those ads in porn magazines of the time for devices like the 'Wanky Doodle Dandy' and was sure I could come up with a cheaper alternative.

But getting back to the bed - I've had it for over twenty years and the other week the top of one of the base units basically caved in when I sat on the edge of the bed.  It was simply the inevitable result of usage over time.  My response was to turn the bed around, so that the damaged part is now at the foot of the bed where it doesn't have to bear my full weight.  As an added measure, I've placed a piece of wood (actually the top from a defunct coffee table) between the mattress and the damaged part of the base.  Clearly, this only a temporary measure and, over the weekend, I hope to carry out a better repair by permanently fixing a new plywood top to the damaged base. Now, I know what you are thinking: why don't I just buy a new bed?  Well, I fully intend to, but as I've had several major items of expenditure forced on me already this year, notably the new hot water cylinder, and there are more to come (the car will have to be serviced next month and that's bound to cost me an arm and a leg), so I'd like to put off buying a new bed until later in the year.  Hence the planned repair job.  If nothing else, it will hopefully be more exciting than buying a new kettle.