Fringe Benefits

It's that time of year again when I start telling people that I'm going to spend part of my summer leave at the Edinburgh Festival fringe performing my latest one-man show.  A complete lie, obviously, but you'd be surprised at how many people believe it.  Mind you, I've been spinning this lie for so long now that there are quite a few people who think that I must be a really crap comedian as I've been going to the fringe for years, yet have never one an award, featured on any of the TV or radio round-ups of the fringe which proliferate at this time of year, or made a breakthrough in the form of a TV spot on, say, Russell Howard's BBC 3 programme or a guest appearance on Mock the Week.  Maybe this year I should lie about that too:  I could make up some award I supposedly won and claim that everyone was unlucky to have missed my appearance on  8 Out of 10 Cats (I was on Jon Richardson's team, along with some bird from Made in Chelsea)- but don't worry, it's bound to be repeated on Dave soon.  I mean, who is ever going to bother checking these things out?  Even if they tried, they'd just end up watching Dave for ever more in the hope of catching that non-existent panel show appearance - which would be their just desserts for being so doubtful of my fake achievements.

All of which brings us to the question of what this year's (completely fictional) one-man show should be about?  Could it be time for me relate the mystery of the Stockbridge Sasquatch, or the 'Haunted House of Horticulture'?  If not the supernatural for a theme, then how about religion instead?  Maybe I could do 'Adventures of a Tribute Messiah' and tell of my life as a Jesus tribute act.  Then again, 'Holy Shit, Holy Grail', with its tale of the miraculous public toilets in France, under which lies Jesus' last resting place, would be more suitable?  I could use an actual toilet as a venue for that show, allowing the audience to gaze upon the face of Christ visible in the limescale in the toilet bowl.  Perhaps I could say I was doing something inspired by those crackpot conspiracy sites I've been looking at lately.  Or, in honour of the forthcoming Scottish independence referendum, maybe I could do something appropriate: 'Up Yours Alex Salmond', maybe?  A tirade against the SNP leader with delusions of grandeur, delivered in a cod Scots accent whilst dressed in full Highland regalia and performing a parody of a Scottish dance.  Hey, the Scots are good sports, I'm sure they'd take it in the spirit intended.  Whatever I decide, one thing is for sure, I won't be going anyehere near Edinburgh this Summer.