More Monkey Business

I mentioned those bloody monkeys that live in Gibraltar and throw their shit at people and generally terrorise the population.  Which reminded me of how much I dislike monkeys.  Really.  They are complete bastards.  Always acting so bloody smart, while all the while doing horrendous shit, but getting away with it because they turn on the 'cuteness'.  You just can't trust them - the evil little bastards will steal anything that isn't nailed down, then act the injured party when you try and retrieve it, all that chattering and gesticulating.  Horrible little bastards.  Don't misunderstand me - it's only the monkeys I hate.  The great apes I don't mind: gorillas and Orangutans are reasonably civilised.  Certainly, they don't throw shit or steal things.  The jury is still out on chimps though - they can be irritating little bastards too, but not as much as monkeys.  Of course, it isn't just Gibraltar where monkeys behave like arseholes and get away with it - in India they plague many cities.  There the bastards play on their status as 'sacred' animals to avoid retribution for their violent antics - breaking into buildings, terrorising the occupants, wrecking rooms and causing mayhem.

If you need more proof of the basic untrustworthiness of monkeys, you need look no further than Raiders of the Lost Ark and that monkey which befriends Indiana Jones and acts all cute with him, whilst all the time spying for the Nazis.  Clearly Lucas and Spielberg share my feelings about simians, as the monkey finally gets his just desserts after eating a poisoned date. As far as I'm concerned, the only good monkey is a dead monkey.  If I had my way, they'd employ snipers in New Delhi to shoot the evil little bastards out of the trees,  Likewise on the rock.  But apparently the mass execution of primates is frowned upon.  Instead, perhaps we could simply single out one of the bastards and make an example of them - give it a bloody good beating with an iron bar, maybe.  Making out sure his mates witness it, obviously.  I mean, if they are so bloody clever, then they'll surely get the message - acting like an arse has serious consequences.  I know this all seems a bit harsh, but these evil little hooligans have to learn that they can't keep trading on the fact they are distantly related to us in order to get away with blue murder.  Look upon it as tough love - it is for their own good.