Christmas Carol on Downing Street

Is Nick Clegg Marley's ghost?  I only ask because I'm sincerely hoping that we're about to see a re-enactment of Dickens' Christmas Carol on Downing Street, with David Cameron being visited by three terrifying spirits on Christmas night, whose intervention shock him into mending his evil ways to the extent that he stops persecuting the poor.  Now, I know that you are going to say that Cameron is regularly visited by at least three hideous and scary spirits in the form of bonkers Education Secretary Michael Gove, Home Secretary Theresa May and Chancellor George Osborne.  At every cabinet meeting, in fact.  But let's entertain the idea, the comic conceit, if you like, of Cameron as Scrooge.  Clegg's attempts to distance himself, in policy terms, from his Tory coalition partners, surely casts him firmly in the role of Marley's ghost - Marley having been Scrooge's business partner who, from beyond the grave, issues Scrooge with a dire warning of his fate if he doesn't mend his ways, and warns him of the impending visit of the spirits.

Of course, Clegg could be cast as Bob Cratchitt, Scrooge's put upon - but spineless - employee.  Which would probably make Vince Cable Tiny Tim, Bob's crippled and sickly son.  But I think I'll stick to Clegg as Marley and cast the UK itself as Cratchitt, with the economy as Tiny Tim.  Anyway, getting back to the main point, which of the terrifying trio of ministers represents which spirit?  Well, I suppose Gove would have to be the spirit of Christmas Past - he's always looking backwards in educational terms (making state schools into charity cases and extolling the 'virtues' of a 'military education') and has single-handedly set education in the UK back by decades.  No doubt he would show Cameron the glories of the feudal era he seems to admire so much and will take him back to his glory days as a member of the Bullingdon Club.  But Cameron would doubtless also be reminded of what a spineless git he was back then - always making out sure he conveniently missed the restaurant wreckings and prostitute murders - not to mention the shame of the tax-avoidance schemes concocted by his father. 

As for the other two: well, I'm guessing that Theresa May would be the ghost of Christmas Present, showing Cameron the wonders of secret courts, private security companies and the like.  Not to mention the misery being caused by Dave's enthusiasm for 'austerity' for the poor and tax cuts for the rich.  Which leaves Osborne as the ghost of Christmas Future, cackling as he shows Dave the corpse of Tiny Tim and, finally, his own political obituary - 'one term premier'.  Sadly, I don't think that Christmas Day will dawn with a reformed Cameron waking up and instructing a lackey to 'take this huge package of welfare and social justice reforms round to everyone - but don't tell them who sent them'.  I sincerely doubt that any number of ghostly visitations would get Dave to mend his ways - the heartless bastard.