Christmas TV Shows They Should Make...

Just for a change, you'd think that this year the BBC's Christmas Day episode of Eastenders would feature the residents of Albert Square having a perfectly unremarkable Christmas, instead of the usual diet of murder, arson, adultery and general misery.  Couldn't we just gave an hour of scenes of the various characters eating turkey, snoring in front of the television all afternoon, putting up with that obscure cousin's bad jokes all day, getting pissed on cooking sherry?   If they needed any added drama they could always include the inevitable family argument over what to watch on TV in the afternoon, everyone being gassed by Great Auntie Gertie's farts or a blazing brandy-soaked Christmas pudding getting out of control and burning down the Queen Vic.  But instead it looks from the trailers as if we're going to get the usual stuff - Alfie looking mean, Derek running for his life. 

That's the thing about Christmas on TV - the seasonal programmes all feature people doing very un-Christmassy stuff.  I mean, there's lots of tinsel adorning the regular sets, but the characters just don't behave the way real people do at Christmas - having fights, sex, murdering each other, having horrendous accidents, fighting terrorists, saving the world from alien invasions. All of which leaves me feeling that I'm missing out.  Damn it, right now in Eastenders Alfie is organising a festive German market for the Square - who the fuck does that in reality?  Organising the right presents is beyond most of us.  Can't we just have Christmas TV where people do regular boring things?   I mean, instead of facing down Cybermen or stopping a spaceship shaped like the Titanic from crashing into Buckingham Palace, couldn't the Doctor just materialise his Tardis on a peaceful planet where they do nothing but perpetually celebrate Christmas in this year's Christmas episode of Doctor Who?  The dramatic tension could come from the fact that all ten of his previous incarnations have also landed there and he's forced to spend Christmas with himself.  The highlight of the episode could involve him pulling a cracker with one of his selves and not getting the plastic gift inside.  That's what we need: realistic Christmas telly.