Vigilante Vicar

I've had enough of celebrities and faux-celebrities for one week.  So, for today's post I'm going to look at one of those heart-warming stories about real people.  Namely, the 'Vigilante Vicar', who bravely protected his church roof from thieves trying to steal the lead from it.  Actually, this was another of those local TV stories which promised far more than it delivered.  When I heard about this clergyman defending his roof, I immediately had visions of a black-clad (save for his dog collar) ninja fighting a desperate karate battle with an unshaven thug with a receding hairline, on top of some country church, the fight raging across the roof and onto the tower, climaxing with the vicar using the church bell clapper to incapacitate the raider.  Before forgiving him and saving his soul, naturally.  It could be the start of a whole series of such ecclesiastical adventures, I mused, as our masked clerical hero protects Britain's churches from various thieves, each week foiling the the thefts of candle sticks, crucifixes and the like from churches.  Perhaps it could be a TV series, where, each week, the pre-credits sequence shows his boss - The Bishop - sending him off on his next mission, with the words 'Bless you my son, and may God go with you', before the opening titles (featuring a montage of action sequences accompanied by an up-tempo action-orientated arrangement of 'All Creature Great and Small', performed on a church organ), plays out.

Of course, the actual story turned out to be far less exciting.  It turned out that there had been no dramatic roof-top fights.  Instead, the vicar in question had just hidden out in his church overnight and, when he spotted the thief going up on the roof, had simply called the police to make an arrest.  You'd have thought that he might at least have tried praying for a bit of divine intervention - resulting in the thief being struck by lightning as he stood astride the roof, rolling up the lead.  So, really he wasn't much of a vigilante vicar, after all.  Very disappointing.  Which is how I feel about the church generally.  I mean, they sound like they have this really radical agenda about the meek inheriting the earth, eschewing materialistic values and the like, but when it comes down to it, all they ever do to try and implement it is preach, run the odd soup kitchen, make tea and generally wring their hands whilst saying 'Oh, how awful'.  It's just like their founder, Jesus, they build him up as this radical preacher, defying the Jewish establishment and the Roman Empire, but when push came to shove, all he did was turn the other cheek.  And look where that got him - nailed to a cross.  Really, with a revolutionary manifesto like the teachings of Christ, you need to be more kick-ass in your approach.  Trust me, if the Church of England actually did have some real Vigilante Vicars then the decline in church attendances would  rapidly be reversed.  Remember, you heard it here first.