Highs and Lows

There was snow on the ground this morning. It shouldn't have been a surprise as it had been snowing last night: I walked to and from the pub in a blizzard. Nonetheless, the sight of it first thing today filled me full of dread. For me, it is a cue for depression. When it is falling it's OK, but when it is lying it signifies another day of struggling futilely against the elements. Which in itself is symbolic of the futility of life itself - inevitably we all die, all life will eventually become extinct and the universe run down. So what's the point? If, like me, you have ever suffered from clinical depression, no matter how mildly, you will probably recognise such thought patterns. The trigger might be different, but the outcome is the same - a spiralling descent into depression. Luckily, once I got outside, I found that the roads and pavements were clear of snow and the lying snow was rapidly melting, so a mental downturn was avoided.

I was especially glad to avoid such an outcome as I've only recently emerged from a long trough of low level depression. It was nothing compared to some of the really bad bouts I've suffered in the past, (but not for nearly a decade now, thankfully), but seemed never ending. Such low level depression is characterised by a lack of drive and energy. It becomes impossible to work up any real enthusiasm for anything and projects go half-finished. My libido also goes completely AWOL during these periods. At the end of the day, it isn't debilitating, just irritating. However, over the last week or so my energy levels seem to be up and I've found a new enthusiasm for several long-term projects. Suddenly I'm actively seeking new challenges and feel fully focused. Which is bad news for anyone obstructing me - such people had an easy ride while I was down: I just couldn't be bothered to deal with them. But that's changed now - I have a new determination to sweep aside obstacles.

The funny thing about depression is that, traumatic though the downs can be, I'm not sure I'd change it if given the chance. Even in my darkest moments, I can't help but feel that I've gained valuable insights into both my own psyche and the nature of the universe itself. Then there are the highs. Whilst I'm not a manic depressive, (or bipolar sufferer as they're now called, although the older term is a more accurate description of the condition), indeed, my depression is pretty mild, like all depressives, I find the downs are usually followed by ups. These periods of euphoria can be even scarier than the downs, but I've also found them incredibly productive in terms of creativity. I've had some of my wildest and best ideas for stories in these periods. Ultimately, the key thing is to learn to manage depression, accept that it is part of you and live with it. Which I do these days, and is why that lying snow bothered me so much this morning, as it threatened to derail this management. Thankfully, it didn't.