"To the Batmobile, Robin!"

So here's the new plan: I'm going to change my last name to Gordon and put myself up for the job of Crapchester's new elected police commissioner. That's right - Commissioner Gordon. The first thing I'll do is install a huge searchlight on the roof of the local police station and, every time a crime is committed, I'll send up some kind of signal to alert our local super heroes. I'm still not sure what sort of symbol I'll use - a huge silhouette of a penis, maybe. Or perhaps a raised finger. Who knows. Obviously, you are all asking exactly what kind of super heroes would hang out in Crapchester? Well, at least one work colleague has admitted to owning a Batman suit and has indicated a willingness to respond to the proposed 'Bat signal'. (A quick aside here - said colleague actually looks more like Shaggy from Scooby Doo than Bruce Wayne and, whilst I've never actually seen him trying to eat a huge sandwich or driving around in a van with a talking dog, looking for haunted houses to investigate, I suspect he has form when it comes to bizarre crime fighting. Certainly, if Crapchester finds itself being menaced by spectral deep sea divers, he'll be the first superhero I'd call on for assistance).

Anyway, I'm sure there are plenty of other potential masker crimefighters out there, ready to keep the streets of Crapchester safe for decent citizens to walk down. Of course, if we can get enough, then it would be possible to eliminate most of the police force, thereby achieving impressive budgetary savings. That's the great thing about costumed vigilantes - they're incredibly cost effective. They do the job for the sheer love of it - they just hate crime and the people who perpetrate it, so you don't have to pay them! Plus, they provide all their own equipment! Brilliant! Who needs police cars when you've got a Batmobile spewing flames out of its exhaust? Moreover, thanks to their penchant for handing out instant justice in the form of a bloody good kicking, we could probably cut down on court costs, not to mention prison cells. It's hard to see any negatives really. OK, you'd need to keep some police officers for some specialist duties. Working undercover, for instance. I mean, a bloke wearing his underpants over a skin tight spandex suit and sporting a mask is going to stand out like a sore thumb if he tries infiltrating the local drug scene. Traffic is another area where you might want to retain some traditional coppers. After all, I don't think drop-kicking someone through their own windscreen would really be an appropriate response to doing 40 mph in a 30 mph zone, (even if the offender is Jeremy Clarkson). So, there you have it, my platform for my bid to become Police Commissioner for Crapchester. Vote for me!