Hot Stuff

With November 5th rapidly approaching, I feel I have to finally say something about Manchester City striker Mario Balotelli and his fabulous fireworks escapades. As you've no doubt seen on the TV news or read in the papers, Balotelli succeeded in setting fire to his bathroom after letting off fireworks in it. Quite why he was letting them off still hasn't been satisfactorily explained. I mean, I can understand if you were to let off fireworks in someone else's bathroom and burned it down, or were to fire a rocket through your neighbour's open bathroom window whilst they were on the crapper - but your own bathroom? One report seemed to indicate that he was trying to fire rockets out of his bathroom window, (presumably because he saw Sir Alex Ferguson walking past), when the mishap occurred. Personally, I think that he took a dump so rank that he knew that simply striking a match wouldn't be enough to mask the lingering stench, so he set off his stash of fireworks instead.

Still, it could have been worse, he could have been conducting horrendous experiments on his own shit, like that bloke in Northern Ireland, who had problems with the council after neighbours complained of the stench when he tried to transmute his own feces into gold. Clearly, he'd misunderstood the work of the alchemists, who aimed to transform base metals into gold. Then again, perhaps he was shitting lead - which would at least explain why his toilet bowl kept cracking every time he took a dump. Many years ago I seem to remember reading in some crackpot book, (probably by Colin Wilson), that the transmutation business actually had something to do with sex. I really can't remember all the ins and outs of it, but it does beg the question, did alchemists end up with gold plated cocks after sexual intercourse? Or am I misremembering the whole thing?