True Lies

The time has come for us to enter the political fray and try and even up the odds. I'm talking, of course, about the upcoming Mayoral election in London and the disproportionate amount of anti-Ken Livingstone propaganda being pumped out by the Evening Standard. It really is a disgrace that London's only daily paper should be behaving in such a partisan manner, trying to swing the election for that buffoon Boris Johnson. Whilst I can't claim to have anything like the Standard's circulation, I can at least try to do the same for Johnson that they're trying to do to Ken. So, let's be frank - if you Londoners are stupid enough to elect Johnson then you might as well start evacuating the city now. Trust me, within months of that cretin taking power the Thames will be clogged with excrement, you'll be choking with pollution from his fucking fifty year old Routemaster buses, and the dead will be piling up in the streets. I'm not joking. That fat git, with his references to 'picanninies' and the like, will probably instigate a race war so ferocious that martial law will have to be introduced and people shot in the streets. Refugees will be piling onto trains and buses in an attempt to escape the mayhem. Sadly, as the blustering twat will have alienated every other city and region in Britain with his crass comments, nobody will be willing to take them or give aid to the stricken city. Consequently, you'll all be forced to eat your own pets in order to survive when the food supplies run out.

Worried yet? No? Then you must be even stupider than I thought. Would you still be so keen to vote for him if I was to tell you that Boris Johnson is actually a Nazi? OK then. He and his public school cronies like nothing better than dressing up in SS uniforms and strutting about a replica concentration camp at weekends. In fact, he once went on a 'Genocide Break' to the Baltic States where he was allowed to gas several hundred local Jews. Furthermore, if he wins the election he plans to institute a policy of ethnic cleansing in London, in order to make it safe for decent privileged folk like him. Believe me, once he's in office non-white Londoners will find themselves being herded onto tube trains and gassed with carbon monoxide pumped into the tunnels from the exhaust pipes of Routemaster buses. What else can I tell you? If he's elected, lock up your pets and livestock as Boris likes nothing better than to bugger anything with four legs. He regularly exposes himself to members of the clergy on the top decks of buses (preferably Routemasters). Alright, alright, I know that none of this is true, it's all fabricated, but so is the shit Andrew Gilligan is coming out with in the Standard to try and discredit Livingstone. (Indeed, one can only assume that Gilligan's scoop for the BBC about the 'dodgy dossier' et al in the run up to the war in Iraq was a fluke, as he's now revealed himself as as a right wing hack of the worst kind. ) Besides, it's OK for me to say all those things as they're just a joke - just like all the offensive things Johnson has come out with are acceptable because they were said in jest. So, are you laughing yet? You should be - it's fucking hilarious. Almost as hilarious as the thought of some talentless public school tosser who owes his entire 'success' to privilege and the old boy network, being elected Mayor of London. But what should I care - I don't live in London. Then again, neither does Boris.