The Unified Conspiracy Theory: A Proposal

So, according to some newspaper reports, many UFO reports were actually disinformation put out by the US government in order to distract attention from various secret aircraft development programmes.  Like the ones that go on at the so called 'Area 51'.  Well, I never, I would never have guessed, was my reaction.  (OK, it was more along the lines of 'No shit, Sherlock?' or even 'Fuck my hat, I never knew that!', but I'm trying to clean things up around here).  These are the most stunningly obvious 'revelations' I've come across in a long time.  At the same time we've got self-styled former MoD 'UFO expert' Nick Pope bemoaning the fact that the whole of UFOlogy is being brought into disrepute by all those nuts claiming to talk to aliens and the like, who are turning it into a quasi-religious cult.  Yeah, I think you are trying to shut that stable door just a little too late, Nick.  At least fifty years too late.  I've remarked here before that UFO sightings just aren't as much fun as they were when I was a kid, when they tended to be simple glimpses of shiny things flying behind cars, or landed in fields.  Now, the whole thing is a multi-million dollar business that requires a constant stream of sensational multiple sightings, abductions and implanting of alien devices.  Oh, not to forget the conspiracies and cover-ups - they are essential to modern UFOlogy, regardless of the lack of evidence for them.  Indeed, it is the conspiracies which are already being used to try and discredit the newspaper story about the US military creating UFO reports as disinformation and distraction.  The UFO nuts are already dismissing this as a conspiracy theory, deliberately leaked to the press, in order to discredit them, as they are getting too closer to the 'truth'.  That's the trouble with conspiracy theorists: you can't reason with them as they'll just pull another conspiracy theory from their arses to counter any holes you knock in their original crackpot beliefs.

Anyway, I'm beginning to ponder as to whether it is possible to come up with a 'unified conspiracy theory' that somehow incorporates and reconciles all the other major conspiracy theories.  It seems a daunting task as such a theory would have to encompass  UFOs, Bigfoot, Yeti and other cryptids, 'mysterious' celebrity deaths, assassinations, shape shifting lizards, all the Q Anon devil worshipping child sacrificing pedo nonsense, the hollow earth, fake moon landings and much more.  On the face of it, much of this craziness contradictory, but I remain convinced that it should be possible to come up with an overarching theory that links together all of this stuff, from the weird phenomena to the moon landings to Elvis not being dead in a coherent manner.  It would mean abandoning some of the fundamentals of individual theories, such as UFOs being alien craft and things like Bigfoot and Yetis being prehistoric survivals, for instance.  To this end, my first stab at this 'unified conspiracy theory', would see these supposed 'apemen' as being reincarnations of those 'mysteriously' slain celebrities - part of their journey of ascension to a higher level of existence.  Quite literally higher as they always seem to live in mountainous area.  Perhaps the altitude and thin air is needed for their transformation to their next manifestation as non-corporeal entities - the shining things we see in the sky and call UFOs.  Maybe, released from the confines of conventional space and time, they can travel back along the time lines and actually instigate their own deaths in order to kick-start their transformation - was the shooter on the grassy knoll actually a manifestation of future JFK?  Could that person who got Princess Di's driver so drunk that he crashed actually her, but from the future?  Or maybe she was that 'paparazzi car' that supposedly chased the limo, causing it to crash?  Did future evolved John Lennon 'possess'  Mark Chapman and guide him to shoot 1980 John Lennon?  OK, so I still haven't been able to work in the fake moon landings or the lizards, but just give me time...