Burn, Tories, Burn!

As if we needed further proof of this country's dangerous slide into right wing extremist at the highest levels, we've just had the spectacle of the Home Secretary, (you know, the one who was sacked by one Prime Minister for security breaches then, the next week, brought back by another Prime Minister, apparently having done sufficient penance for the original sacking offence), doubling down on her anti-migrant rhetoric after, just the day before, a right-wing extremist had fire bombed an immigration centre.  As usual, we have the pretence from the media, the minister and her Tory colleagues, that her increasingly intolerant language with regard to immigrants crossing the Channel in small boats, had nothing to do with this attack and that her latest words - some of which were reminiscent of the National Front at its worst - won't encourage more of these nutters.  It's at times like these that you can't help but feel that the government these days is full of neo-Nazis, regardless of who is Prime Minister.  Most depressingly, some of the worst culprits are themselves the descendants of relatively recent immigrants.  I'm left wondering if it might finally be time to fight fire with fire.  Now, I have to be careful here, because if I appear to start advocating firebombing the constituency offices of these bastards, then I'll be labelled the extremist and accused of terrorism, racism and God knows what else, even though I'm not the one perpetrating extremist and repressive political policies.

So, let's take a step back and substitute the word 'witches' for 'Nazis' and 'Witchcraft' for 'fascism' - if we thought that we were being overrun by evil witches Hell bent on blasphemy and perversion, what would the appropriate response be?  That's right, we'd be calling for them to be burned at the stake.  (A point of information here: despite what films with Vincent Price wearing various funny hats might tell you, in England withes were hanged, not burned.  Burning was reserved for heretics).  With parliament apparently now host to a coven of them, our response should be clear.  Let's face it, if this was a Hammer film then, by now, Peter Cushing in a puritan hat would have been leading a mob waving flaming torches in storming the Commons.  Therese Coffey would undoubtedly have been set alight by one of the puritan band, but I suspect that her evil runs so deep that, despite being ablaze from head to foot, she would run toward her assailant and embrace them in her fiery arms so as to take them with her.  Suella Braverman would probably try to escape her attackers by using her witch powers to rise into the air and spit venom and bolts of lightning at the puritans - until Cushing succeeded in hitting her with a well thrown crucifix, causing her to explode.  Sadly, I suspect that Priti Patel would escape by flying off on her broomstick.  

There you go - I'm not actually advocating burning Tory ministers at the stake, but merely speculating as to how our current political situation might be resolved if it were a horror film.  Mind you, even this is fraught with problems - I could still be accused of misogyny for implying that the Tory Nazis, sorry, witches, are all female.  Throwing in a few male MPs would resolve that problem - I mean, who wouldn't want to see Peter Cushing burn Jacob Rees-Mogg at the stake as a warlock, or decapitate Boris Johnson with an axe.  Perhaps we should throw Matt Hancock in there - the man who has taken a bullet by trying to deflect attention from Braverman's incendiary anti-immigrant rhetoric by jetting off to Australia to participate in I'm a Celebrity. If we're lucky, though, he'll be eaten by cannibals in the jungle.  (What's that?  It isn't a real jungle?  OK, well maybe Chris Moyles will eat him instead and save us the expense of some fire lighters...)