War and Cake

So, in his latest attempt to distract us all from 'partygate', (his 'Look!  There's a fish at the window!' gambit having failed), Boris Johnson is currently in Ukraine, trying to start a war with Russia.  It's the only credible explanation for his presence there.  I mean, it isn't as if the UK is going to commit military forces. (even if we still had any after ten plus years of Tory defence cuts), is it?  Moreover, a political leader who spent the pandemic ignoring his own rules and partying on down can hardly speak with any moral authority when warning President Putin that there will be consequences to any misbehaviour on Russia's part, can they?  After all, consequences are precisely what Johnson says there shouldn't be as a response to crossing legal and moral lines.  But a war is always a good distraction from domestic troubles - just look at what the Falklands war did for Thatcher.  Even better is a war in which we won't be directly involved, so we won't have all the initial euphoria and jingoism soured by the continual press coverage of body bags being flown home as the casualties mount.  Just look at how enthusiasm for UK involvement in Afghanistan quickly waned.  So, we can expect to see him standing at the border with Russia, baring his fat arse toward Moscow and shouting 'See how I salute, thee, President Putin!'.  

Meanwhile, back in the UK I have no doubt that the distraction plans will continue with an announcement of an investigation into cake ambushes in Whitehall.  After all, if Boris was ambushed by a birthday cake, how many other cabinet ministers have suffered similar attacks?  Is it true that Micheal Gove was found slumped across his desk in the Cabinet Office, his trousers around his ankles and a chocolate eclair shoved up his arse?  What about those reports that, at one of those allegedly illegal Christmas parties, Dominic Raab stumbled out of a Downing Street stationary cabinet, wearing only his underpants and smeared, from head to foot, with mud cake?  How about those reports that Jacob Rees-Mogg was struck in the face with an iced Christmas cake, knocking his top hat off, as he left the Houses of Parliament?  Is there a serial cake assaulter on the loose, lying in wait with cakes for random ministers to pass by?  Surely this is a major security issue?   The public has a right to know if the government is under threat in this way.  I mean, if a rogue birthday cake can get into Number Ten and take the Prime Minister by surprise, then nobody is safe.  What if it escalates and the mystery cake attacker switches to ambushing ministers with hot puddings?  The idea of Rishi Sunak getting struck in the groin by a steaming hot suet pudding just doesn't bear thinking about, does it?