The Queen's Last Orgy

So, the Queen has finally emerged  from her Covid-proof bunker under Windsor Castle, doubtless surprised to find that her realm isn't now a grim wasteland populated only by bands of roaming zombies, to perform her first Royal visit since the start of lockdown.  And where does she go for this visit?  Porton Down.  That's right, she visited the secret government chemical and biological lab in Wiltshire.  No doubt to be given the latest secret Covid treatment which is handed out only to the super-rich and Tory donors (usually the same thing), to ensure that they don't perish during the pandemic.  Because, you know, these secret Covid treatments really exist and are being withheld from the public.  I know, because every conspiracy nut and Trump supporter I encounter online tells me that it is true.  But getting back to Her Majesty, I do wonder how she has spent all those months locked down in that Royal bunker?  One can't help but have visions of some kind of geriatric version of the last days of Sodom, with Her Majesty sat on her throne in full regalia, presiding over wild bacchanalian orgies, with the nobility of England shagging each other on the banqueting tables without inhibition, in between the silver platters of roast swan.

Then again, maybe it all ended up like the last days of Hitler, with an increasingly deluded monarch barking orders into phones to armies and navies that no longer exist thanks to Tory defence spending cuts, when she wasn't ranting at her assembled entourage.  The main difference between Windsor Castle 2020 and Berlin 1945 was that it didn't all culminate with Her Majesty poisoning her corgis and Prince Philip before shooting herself.  Sadly, the truth is probably far more mundane - she and Philip probably spent lockdown catching up with the TV soaps.  Mind you, bearing in mind that she's the Queen, they probably shipped in the casts of the soaps to perform new episodes live for her.  That's obviously what the likes of Danny Dyer were doing during the lockdown TV production hiatus - Royal Command Performances at gunpoint.  Still, if nothing else, being locked up in that bunker did at least mean that the Queen was spared the ordeal of having to have personal audiences with the Prime Minister.  They probably had them on Zoom instead, meaning that she could just mute Boris Johnson for the duration.  Which must have been a blessed relief for her.  Long live the Queen (and she doubtless will, thanks to the super secret anti-Covid serum she received at Porton Down).