Faking Terror

Whilst the events of the London Bridge terror attack were unfolding on Saturday night and the early hours of Sunday morning, I had a terrible thought: what if the attackers weren't real Jihadi terrorists, but Jihadi re-enactors?  You know, like those guys who spend their weekends dressed up as Nazis, fighting mock battles against other blokes dressed up like British soldiers or American GIs.  These re-enactment people cover all sorts of historical eras, not just world war two.  There are the Sealed Knot lot who dress up as cavaliers and roundheads and others who pretend to be confederates and union soldiers to recreate US civil war battles.  I've even seen some dressed as Roman legionaries squaring off against others smeared with woad, pretending to be ancient Britons.  Then there are the fantasy battle types - I used to drink in a pub where a group of these jokers would come in after their practice sessions.  Believe me, there are few things more bizarre than looking across at the next table in a lounge bar and seeing four blokes in chain mail sat around drinking beer.  I'm convinced that there also probably groups who re-enact more modern stuff like the Vietnam war: they most likely spend their weekends defoliating Surrey with Agent Orange, while the staff from the local Chinese restaurant lurk in the undergrowth in black pyjamas, pretending to be the Viet Cong.

So, I don't think it unreasonable that there might be people out there who spend their weekends recreating terror attacks - blacking themselves up and waving fake knives around.  Indeed, the fact that the London Bridge attackers were wearing fake 'suicide belts' reinforced my suspicions that they were part of a terrorist re-enactment group.  (I have to say, that when I saw that picture of the prone terrorist wearing what looked like beer cans around his waist, my first thought was that the police had shot 'Duff Man' from The Simpsons by mistake).  Perhaps, I thought, they'd planned to make a mock attack, running through Borough Market 'stabbing' people with rubber knives and expected to be met by a bunch of their mates dressed as armed policemen toting paintball guns.  Instead, in a tragic misunderstanding, they found themselves mown down in a hail of real bullets fired by genuine police officers.   Of  course, it quickly became apparent that I was wrong.

As the stories of the terrorists running into pubs, bars and restaurants, randomly stabbing customers, emerged, another thought occurred to me.  Earlier on Staurday evening, I'd seen part of that film about the Krays, Legend, I got to thinking how bloody lucky the terrorists were that half of London's boozers and clubs weren't still controlled psychopathic homicidal thugs.  I mean, you couldn't see Ronnie and Reggie taking too kindly to a bunch of knife wielding maniacs bursting into one of their pubs and attacking their clientele.  Knives are no match for sawn off shotguns.  Which set me thinking further - perhaps what Theresa May needs to do is mobilise organised crime against extremists.  I'm sure that a few knee-cappings of likely suspects round the back of the local mosque, for instance, would go a long way to deterring future attacks. I'm also sure that that 'heavy mobs' in the East End could 'persuade' local Imams to divulge the names of the potential Jihadis in their congregations.  That said, I'm pretty sure that modern London gangsters just aren't up to the 'quality' of the likes of 'Mad' Frankie Fraser, the Krays or the Richardsons.  Nevertheless, I'm sure such a proposal would make an eye-catching last minute knee jerk reactionary addition to the Tory manifesto.