Smile and the World Will Kick Your Teeth In

You know, I'm definitely in the wrong business. I clearly need to set myself up as a 'consultant' and sell my dubious services to organisations. In the past I've mooted the possibility of styling myself an 'international security' or 'intelligence' consultant, on the basis that to be one of these 'experts' you should at least have some experience and knowledge of the area you specialise in. After all, I've seen a disturbing number of former colleagues from my days as an intelligence analyst popping up on TV and in the press, claiming to be 'consultants' and talking absolute bollocks. But I was wrong - you don't have to know anything about the field you consult on. Indeed, you can completely make up an entire field of expertise, then convince organisations that it is vital they pay you to give them advice on it. 'Resilience', for instance.

Yes, that's right: resilience. I found out today that my employers have actually paid some consultant for advice on 'resilience' in the workplace. Really. They've even produced a handbook. I think, perhaps, that some elaboration is required here. The term 'resilience' is - as is often the case with consultants - being used inappropriately. What they are really talking about (in their handbook at least) is workplace stress and how, supposedly, to deal with it. Apparently, the sum total of their advice is to 'smile' when dealing with a stressful situation because 'when you smile, the whole world smiles with you.' Yup, that's it folks. Organisations are apparently paying consultants to tell them that gem of profundity. The next time I'm faced by a man waving a machete at me, (which has really happened - not in the office, obviously, but out in the field where I spend most of my working day), I'll remember to smile at him and it will, doubtless, be OK.